Amy's Free Library of Rock!

 Hi.
Anyway, so recently my psychiatrist started me on Strattera, a non-stimulant ADHD med (because stimulants give me anxiety), which the insurance only theoretically covers but we now have enough money in our HSA to cover the absurd deductible, and it was worth it because my brain was being even more of a scattered mess than usual. Only now I wonder if the Strattera is hobbling the Zoloft. When you look up possible interactions between the two drugs, all you get is that Zoloft can make Strattera MORE effective-- they're both neural uptake-inhibitors, they just work on different neurotransmitters-- would it be possible for the Strattera to make the Zoloft LESS effective? Because I've been depressed lately-- depressed from a purely chemical standpoint. Nothing bad has happened to trigger it-- I'm listening to my thoughts, and they're not beating me up like they used to-- I just FEEL depressed, like I want to either cry or sleep or both because when I sleep I tend to have stress dreams or nightmares. Like, I'm used to my brain being a mess, but I can tell the difference between not being able to accomplish anything because I can't focus and not being able to accomplish anything because everything seems pointless! 

Fun fact: the inability to focus does not go AWAY when everything seems pointless, it just COMPOUNDS.

Which is why I've had trouble accomplishing anything this week. I am in the middle of reorganizing my office area--my birthday present was this new awesome Ikea desk setup which I will definitely take a picture of to share with you ONCE I FINISH PUTTING STUFF AWAY. I kind of stalled on it. There are laundry baskets full of clothes that need sorted. And I am lagging on getting my GeekMom articles out. Mostly because I'll get an idea to write about and my stupid brain goes, "eh, pointless, shut up."

So I need a little outside help to backtalk Ms Depressive Brain, because Ms Executive Dysfunction Brain is too flighty to manage it.

EDIT 12/31/19: I have gone back and added links to each of these topics that I DID finally write about in the course of this year:

I COULD write an article about this. About the differences between mental illness and neurodivergency, how sure depression and ADHD have overlapping symptoms but depression is different from ADHD is different from ADHD WITH depression.
--I COULD also write about how ADHD and autism overlap and yet are different, because this has been fascinating me ever since I listened to a podcast on how to tell the difference between the two and realized that all my autistic tendencies ARE actually better explained by ADHD, which is wacky since I suspected the former long before I ever expected the latter, and I just, I don't know, am kind of fascinated by it. I already said that.

I COULD write about how the movie side of the MCU please better start taking Peggy Carter seriously as something more than Captain America's old girlfriend. I got all fired up to write about that this past weekend, but before I could Ms Depressive Brain got all "eh" on me. And then I found someone else had in fact written such an article, and I'm like YES, YOU GET ME. But then I was like, I COULD write about it in my own words and in my own thoughts and feelings, too. But now I'm like, but by the time it will post Endgame will be out and however they treat Peggy in the movie will already be common knowledge to the people who are actually getting out to the movie theater this weekend, of which I will likely not be one, so I won't even know what I'm talking about. So, eh. Depressive Brain made me miss my chance, I think. 

I COULD write about Geeksplaining. How "mansplaining" is actually more of a geek problem than a chauvinistic problem (though it probably does have some overlap. Much like depression and ADHD overlapping and compounding each other!) How I try to explain to Sam that no one actually WANTS him to correct their grammar incessantly.

I COULD write the "So your kid wants a social media account" article I've been planning to write for MONTHS.

I COULD write about how your kids are never too old to be read aloud to, which I've probably written about before but I'm sure I can find new ways to cover it, because I think about it frequently.

I COULD write about the state of Oldies Radio in the days of I Heart Radio, which I honestly can make interesting and about geek parenting, I swear. 

Executive Dysfunction Brain keeps going "But I just can't decide!" and Depressive Brain goes "eh" and Executive Dysfunction Brain goes "so you're saying I'd be better off not writing ANYTHING?" and Depressive Brain goes "yeah, your writing's stupid, and you have too much else to do around the house," and Executive Dysfunction Brain is like "OH MY GOSH YES HAVE YOU SEEN ALL THE OTHER STUFF I HAVE TO DO?!" and Depressive Brain is like "That's all stupid, too. Go lay on the couch and eat too much of your kids' Easter Candy and conveniently forget about Weight Watchers. That's also stupid, but everything is stupid, so you might as well eat empty calories."

So anyway, that's the state of my brain right now, so that's why I'm asking for some outside intervention, because then Eager-to-Please Brain can jump in and say, "Well, so-and-so would like me to write such-and-such. You can't argue with that, because someone actually SAID they want me to do this!"

Today is the day I DON'T HAVE TO GO ANYWHERE, so I must use it to be productive. Just to give me more distractions, last night my inlaws' dog died, so Jason stayed home so he could go over and help them, and then Sammy stayed home because he's an emotional wreck, and at the moment they're both actually OVER at the inlaws' house, but once they come home they'll be here and I don't know why but I am EXTRA TERRIBLE at focusing on writing when other people are home. THEY ARE NEEDY AND MY STUPID EMPATHY IS CONSTANTLY ATTUNED TO THEIR NEEDINESS and yells at me for ignoring them, even though I would probably ignore them if I WASN'T trying to be productive, too, but my executive dysfunctions will use any excuse to not be productive, now, won't they. 

So anyway... suggestions? 

1. I feel kind of guilty about expressing my discomfort with the We Need Diverse Books campaign in the past. I want to make it clear that my discomfort is COMPLETELY PERSONAL, not ideological. I never want to give anyone the impression that I think it's "reverse racism" or unfair to me as a really-boringly-undiverse writer in any way people have industry control over. IT'S NOT. IT'S COMPLETELY FAIR, AND AS A LIBRARIAN I AM ALL FOR IT. It's only me as a struggling writer with low self-esteem, every time I see it The Lone Power whispers in my ear "NOBODY NEEDS YOUR WRITING, YOU'RE BORING, GIVE UP TRYING TO WRITE NOW." And obviously, considering I'm attributing the voice to The Lone Power, I know it's wrong, I know it's a lie, but the part of me that knows this can't think of a good comeback. "I SO TOTALLY DO HAVE A UNIQUE VOICE AND AN OUTLOOK THAT NEEDS TO BE SHARED! I'M GOING TO WRITE...uh...okay I have no idea what I'm going to write." And the Lone Power goes "SEE?!" and I go waste my time reading TV recaps instead. So what I'm saying is DIVERSE BOOKS=GOOD. SUPPORT THEM. I DON'T WANT ANY SPECIAL TREATMENT FROM PUBLISHERS. I'M NOT AFRAID OF HAVING MY CHANCES TAKEN FROM ME BY PEOPLE WHO HAVE LESS REPRESENTED VOICES. I'm only afraid of having my chances taken from me by my own internal doubts.

2. ABC, you can't CANCEL Agent Carter. I'm not saying this as a rabid fan who doesn't personally WANT you to cancel Agent Carter. Well, I AM, but that's beside the point. No, it's just, and I've said this before, Agent Carter is a MINISERIES and theoretically you can bring it back at any time, stick it in anywhere you have a break. The word "cancel" is too FINAL for something so flexible. Just say, "Not in this next year, but hey, maybe some other time!" I mean it'll WORK, we've got YEARS to explore, with the exception offinding out what happened to Thompson

there's no reason we can't pop back into the history of proto-SHIELD several years later. Don't be all "CANCELLED" about it! Be "on indefinite hiatus!" COME ON, KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPEN!

3. Speaking of Marvel TV, Jason has decided he doesn't care about Agents of SHIELD anymore. Part of me's like, okay, I'm fine with that, I don't need to worry about making it to the TV every Tuesday at 9, I can watch on my own time the next afternoon or whatnot (I work Wednesday mornings), but another part of me is like YOU DON'T REALIZE WHAT A HUGE BLOW THIS IS TO OUR MARRIAGE. It was our DATE NIGHT. That's one of the few things we really enjoy doing together, watching superhero shows! And I have a feeling I want to see Civil War more than he does. Which if we could only get babysitting he'd be okay with, but his parents are in the middle of moving and my parents live farther away. Part of me's like, gee, I could totally go by myself some weekday afternoon, but then I'm like, "NO, AMY, THAT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF ADULTERY. Not just because your Imaginary Husband has a small part in it. IT WOULD BE SUCH AN UNCARING MOVE TO GO SEE A SUPERHERO MOVIE WITHOUT JASON." Seriously. There's more at stake here than watching a movie.

4. I'm kind of mentally cluttered at the moment. I've got gardening to catch up on, on account of being down with the flu all last week. I have a lot of GeekMom articles I want to work on, but I feel guilty sitting down to write long enough to do so. The house is, of course, a wreck. And I still have to feed three picky eaters and myself, which is still the bane of my existence. Sometimes I just want to shout "ENOUGH! FROM NOW ON I AM ONLY MAKING SALADS AND YOU WILL EAT IT OR YOU WILL MAKE YOUR OWN FOOD WITHOUT WHINING!" But I have a hard time cooking for myself.

5. Now I am running late for work, so bye. Excuse the lack of editing and links that I would have done had I had more time.

My kids' school has a "Don't send in edible treats" policy, and last year I posted a rant against the unintended side effects of this policy. Namely, GARBAGE. Junk FOOD is one thing-- you eat it and it's gone (usually. If you have a child's metabolism). Junk TOYS are something else entirely. They make messes. They eventually only get thrown out. But to be serious about it for a minute, I have a real problem with that much waste. I don't like to throw things out, not because I want them, but because WHY ARE WE DOING THIS TO OUR PLANET, IT'S JUST MAKING ANOTHER MESS IN SOME OVERSTUFFED LANDFILL IF IT'S NOT MAKING A MESS IN MY HOUSE. Not to mention all the waste that goes into manufacturing the crappy things. But if I'm honest with myself, I'm not really taking this stance out of noble environmental concern.* In the immediate present, my reaction is just a selfish "great, more clutter."

So anyway, the thing is, the school's policy is "Don't send in edible treats," not "Send in nonedible treats," so I'm just that grinchy parent who doesn't send in anything, BECAUSE WE WEREN'T ACTUALLY ASKED TO SEND IN ANYTHING, AND NOTHING IS BETTER THAN GARBAGE.** "But what about the CHILDREN?" you ask. And I say, they're at school, they're playing games, they're with their friends, they don't NEED treats there. They will come home and go proper trick or treating later, and then they will have PLENTY OF EDIBLE AND THEREFORE EXPENDABLE TREATS.

So I relinked to that post yesterday when my kids came home from school with a pile of plastic goody bags, and many people agreed BUT.

Of COURSE there are exceptions. Of COURSE there's a reason for the school's policy. So through further discussion I've decided to spell out the RIGHT and WRONG way to deal with what basically comes down to offering non-allergenic options.

First of all, the problem came from school parties, not from trick-or-treating proper. So number one, if there is no policy instructing you to AVOID edible items, here's how you can handle it:

RIGHT:
Offer options. In my house we are serious peanut butter cup fans, so we always offer peanut butter cups so we have leftovers. BUT peanut butter and chocolate are both big allergy problems, so we offer the choice: peanut butter cups OR Skittles.*** You could in fact offer candy OR a non-edible item, but please see below for further guidelines.

Granted, if you have more than one option, a lot of kids will immediately grab one of EACH, so if you're not okay with that you'll have to be immediately clear with your guidelines.

WRONG:
Deciding FOR your visitors. Offering only one type of treat increases the chance that really won't be a treat for someone after all (whether that's because the kid can't eat it, the kid doesn't LIKE it, or the mom doesn't want it in her house). But worse is forcing your ideals on everyone who comes-- if you're against sugar, don't put your porch light on during trick-or-treating at all, and don't you even THINK about doing what that one lady did last year and pass out notes telling kids they're too fat for candy. And you should also probably not use trick-or-treating as an opportunity to, as Kim Aippersbach suggested (jokingly!) in the comments of last year's post, pass out little cards explaining that, instead of spending money on Halloween treats this year, you bought a goat for a family in Africa and I'm sure everyone understands!

Okay, that's trick-or-treating. But what if you ARE under a no-edible-treats policy and you still want to offer treats? Here are some options that, the other people I've talked about it and I agree, do not suck:

RIGHT: Art supplies. Pencils, pens, crayons, markers, paints, coloring books, tablets. I personally would even be okay with Play-doh, but there are probably more parents that would hate you forever for that one, so I might grudgingly put that on the "WRONG" list instead, since I AM trying to give actual advice here.

WRONG: Pencils that don't sharpen. Crayons made out of way more wax than pigment. Teeny stampers. Small plastic stencils that are barely useable. Tiny tablets with approximately five pages in them. Coloring booklets that look like they were drawn by someone who is stuck in the 1950s.

I am undecided about stickers. Nope, I am decided about stickers. It's just stickers are in that nebulous category that kids WILL enjoy and use thoroughly, but probably in ways that parents would rather they not.

RIGHT: GOOD reading materials. My friend Megan recommends the Scholastic sales where you get five paperbacks for five dollars or whatever. It's probably just as expensive as all the junky toys in the long run. Samantha Fisher from the crew at GeekMom (which I am also writing for now, in case you missed it) also suggests bookmarks, and really, it's ridiculous, you'd think you'd eventually own too many bookmarks, but how come you can never find one when you NEED it?

WRONG: Buying dollar books at the dollar STORE. You really can NOT get quality literature there, and you may be of the opinion that the KIDS don't care, but either a kid WILL care, and throw it aside, or a kid WON'T care and will force an adult to read terrible, terrible prose or verses that don't scan right OVER and OVER again and THEY WILL CURSE YOU. Please, check out the Scholastic discount sales, instead!

RIGHT: Consumable toys. Obviously not in the EATING sense. More like bubbles, glow sticks, and balloons. These ARE all things that will be thrown away eventually, but they're only MEANT to be enjoyed for a short period of time, and IN that period of time, they will be enjoyed THOROUGHLY. My daughter actually just said, about a balloon she got yesterday, "This balloon makes me so happy, I love it so much." Personally I think balloons are a bit MORE fun if they're punching balloons, at least.

WRONG: Toys that are consumable only in the sense that they're so poorly made they don't last, not toys that are MEANT to be used up.

RIGHT: My friend Mandy gave out Lego Mixels as a party treat recently. There are other small building kits that are actually decent that you can buy in bulk around, too.

WRONG: Cheapo building sets that don't fit together, foam airplanes that break when you TRY to put them together, things that come in many tiny pieces but are stored in a thin cardboard box that never shuts again once the shrink wrap comes off. This includes tiny little puzzles. Tiny little puzzles SEEM like they'd be a cool treat, but usually you just end up losing pieces immediately because of the crappy box. Also, the puzzles themselves aren't much sturdier, so the pieces tend to warp and stop fitting, anyway.

WRONG WRONG WRONG: Plastic spider rings. WHO WEARS THOSE, anyway? And even those who DO, WHO WEARS AS MANY OF THEM AS GET ACCUMULATED EVERY HALLOWEEN?

Also wrong: gift bags. I mean if you stick with one DECENT nonedible treat, instead of several crappy ones, you won't need a gift bag, anyway!

If we all follow these guidelines, it's possible that EVERYONE, candy lovers and people with food issues and underpaid factory workers in third world countries and parents that just have to clean up, will have a Happy Halloween.****
----

*Though if I'm REALLY honest, that IS part of the reason I appear to be something of a hoarder. I really DON'T like throwing things out. Waste really DOES disgust me.

**In the sense of "#1 Good Stuff, #2 Nothing, #3 Garbage," of course, not in the sense of "Garbage is the undefeated #1."

***And yes, there are some poor souls who can't eat EITHER, but this is extremely rare and I'm pretty sure those souls will just avoid trick-or-treating period.

****We're not going to please the people who don't celebrate Halloween out of the conviction that traditions started to scare away demons are actually about worshipping demons, but there's nothing you can do about that. Except call it a Harvest Party. I do outreach at a super-conservative-fundamentalist school that was originally scheduled for an outreach yesterday, and I was like, "Oh, good, at least I know THEY won't cancel on me to make room for a Halloween party," but NO, they cancelled on me for their HARVEST PARTY instead. But as it turned out a couple of coworkers had called off so they needed me on desk at the library anyway, so I guess it's all for the best.

I'm getting more online-journaly than bloggy this evening. I just wanted to get something off my chest that doesn't fit so well on Facebook or Twitter. It's not thought out, and will therefore probably be full of hypocrisy and things to say "Why on earth did I put that on the internet?" about later. But sometimes your paper journal doesn't cut it, because you really want to bounce it off other people, you know?

Anyway, remember last fall when I posted this Manifesto,, and then a couple weeks later I elaborated on the train of thought/emotional-spiritual-psychological growth/whatever that inspired it?

I'm still coming to grips with this "I can be Right, too" concept, but I do think I made a permanent change in this past year-- that I've moved forward somehow and even if I may fall back EMOTIONALLY at times, my BASELINE has moved permanently up. I've grown and I can't very well shrink.

Lately though it's like I'm suddenly SUPER-AWARE of how many people Talk Like They Know What They're Talking About Even When They Don't-- it's not a matter of I'm Right and They're Wrong as much as Why are these people so sure of themselves and yet they say things that are wrong but they say it in such a way as to make impressionable people like I was believe they must be right? It makes me-- ITCHY to look at the Internet, when there's so much great stuff interspersed with so many people talking PASSIONATELY and missing points, so many SMART people, not, like, a bunch of stupid teenagers asserting the legendary status of One Direction over some dumb band nobody's heard of called The Who. I mean maybe not ALWAYS smart people. I think the word I'm looking for is "sophomoric." Wise fools. They know a good bit of something so they let it go to their head, and then talk like if anyone's got a different opinion it's because that anyone is just not as ENLIGHTENED as they are... see where I said this was most likely going to get hypocritical? I'm trying not to be. I'm just trying to express my feelings, my frustration.

I mean on one hand it's the extremists that bug me, smug you're-all-delusional-and-I'm-not atheists and right-wing pundits who say they speak for Christians but seemed to have missed a lot of important tenets of Christianity-- and even though they're extremists to my mind they've still convinced loads of innocent followers that they must be right. On another hand, also-- I STILL NEED TO GET USED TO THIS-- there are people I admire and look up to who will every so often express some passionate-yet-flawed opinion, or respond to other people in ways that strike me as less-than-professional or downright childish. It's always made me a little squicky. None so bad as the time an author I really love internet-yelled at me when I-- not even begged to DIFFER with her opinion, but tried to gently point out that there might be more angles to the issue than she was acknowledging. I STILL can't quite think about her books (WHICH I LOVED) without the taint of that. But I just felt like They Were the Experts, I was this scatterbrained mom with a part-time job and no writing career, therefore THEY MUST KNOW SOMETHING I DON'T ABOUT EVERY SUBJECT, and if what they said didn't sit right with me then the problem must be me.

But now that I can see these things clearly, can SEE that even though people may be really good at some things and really smart in some ways it doesn't mean they know everything-- well, after awhile it just bugs me. Makes me ITCHY, like I said. What it really means is, probably, that I should take a break from the Internet. But I wish there was a way I could still communicate with people I like and still see funny tweets and pictures (for some reason lately I've been really partial to dogs making ridiculous faces. This may be an issue I should bring up to my therapist) and maybe have some kind of All-Martin-Freeman-All-The-Time feed I can keep up with, and not have to be inundated with the stuff that makes me itchy, which comes from some of the very same people I like hearing from so it's not like I can just block them.

But then, people do enough of that as it is. People follow people who agree with them. People insulate themselves with THEIR TRIBE and then become confused when faced with evidence that NO, NOT everyone agrees with them and those people aren't just ignorant. So we've GOT to be exposed to a wide variety of people and opinions and can't just filter in Stuff That Makes Us Happy.

But still, I'm uncomfortable, and I'm not sure what to do about that feeling. How do I speak up when my words can make a difference? How do I learn to let be when there's nothing that can be said? And how do I know the difference? Slightly reworded Serenity Prayer.

So right, I'm a sophomoric hypocrite who's talking in circles, but that's what my brain and emotions are swirling around over today. Has anyone else ever felt confused like this?

Dear, dear neglected blogreaders. It's been a fascinating few weeks. I just haven't had the time to sit and type up a proper blog entry. Sure, I've been READING blogs-- or skimming-- but I can do that on my Nook. I've been Tweeting and occasionally Facebooking, but those are those in-between short-attention-span things you can do while, say, manning a reference desk or parenting small children. Within reason. At least much more than typing a proper blog entry is. So let me catch you up on the past, um, month. Ish.

In Which I Give You a Real-Life Update

First, the personal news: Jason has a new job, finally-- if you know anything about him, you've probably figured out that this has been something he's been looking for for a LONG, LONG TIME. It's still just machine operation, but the pay, benefits, working conditions, and apparently management is SO much better that we can't even fault it (much) for being 2nd shift. I'm working out a new work schedule-- since mine is based around him being DAY shift-- and if the 5-year-old goes to afternoon kindergarten in the fall (likely), we'll have mornings as our family time and lunchtime as our Dinner. At least until first grade.

In MY workplace, on the other hand, we have a new director coming in. I met her last week, and we pretty much laughed the entire time, so... that's possibly a good sign.

The bad personal news is I've had a mysterious and horrendously painful sore throat for the past week and a half, which two different doctors have looked at and determined that I, well, don't have any DISEASE that they can see, and the strep test was negative. The second doctor decided I probably just have something STUCK IN MY TONSILS which is being irritating, and I'm just supposed to gargle a lot and take painkillers when needed. This is NOT SOLVING ANYTHING. If it's still a problem by Monday I'm calling for a referral to an actual ear-nose-and-throat specialist. Jason said, "I hope you don't have tonsillitis," and I said, "I hope I DO have tonsillitis, so they can just take those tonsils out and BE RID OF THEM." Better than "gargle a lot and hope it goes away soon."

...in good personal health news, my antidepressants are back to being Straightened Out. Actually I'm not even sure I mentioned to you (on any of my social media outlets) about the week I got a dosage increase and started having anxiety attacks. Yeah, fun stuff. Told you, it's been an interesting few weeks.

In Which We Wander Into the Bizarre Depths of My Imagination

I had this great nightmare last night about a satanic cult posing as a church (of a completely different sort) camp, and there were exploding snakes and bloody demons and people who appeared to be nice who WEREN'T and undercover sabotage-of-their-facilities and rescue missions and dramatic escapes by boat and antique car and a secret meeting posing as a premature labor. It was really scary! But it was so very plot-filled that I really didn't mind, once I woke up.

See, my brain chemicals are balancing out, but I haven't quite rid myself of the Negative Thought Processes. I SEE, logically, that I can make up stories, that my subconscious mind is CONSTANTLY making up stories, but then real life intrudes and I can't justify it. There's always so much else I SHOULD be doing, and none of my story ideas is calling to me SO much that I can make myself sit still and focus. My husband, frankly, doesn't understand. He's not an artist, so can't believe that writing is anything more than a hobby, and why should I write when there are so many other things not getting done? His mother is even worse. And I just don't believe in myself anymore, period. I'm too scared to start again. I can't devote the time and energy to it because nobody really wants me to be a writer. That's one of those negative and probably wrong thoughts, but I have lots more concrete evidence to support my No One Needs Me To Be a Writer stance than I do concrete evidence that Anyone Cares For My Point of View, or even that Anyone In My Real Life Understands. But at least I can see where the problem is, now. Maybe that's a start.

In Which I Go Off on Librarianish Topics

On the other hand, I've been oddly aware of an actual skill I DO have, lately-- I'm a dang good reference librarian. I still feel awkward and like I ought to be coming up with more programs and that I'm just not AMBITIOUS enough (I've got a younger coworker, just starting library school, who is SUPER ambitious and is always starting projects and I always feel like she's looking at me thinking "Why aren't YOU doing all this?"). But someone needs help finding something? I am good. Not just talking a quick catalog search and a call number lookup. I'm saying, for nonfiction or topic-based searching, coming up with lots of different ideas of where to search and what to use. For fiction, excellently helpful readers advisory-- I find stuff people LOVE. In general, giving people a little more help-- and a lot of friendly respect-- than they're expecting (it's one of those times I'm actually good with people-- because I know what I'm doing). One thing about my new work schedule coming up-- I hope to still get to work some evenings, some after-school time, because that's when people really need help with the Finding Stuff... and dang, it feels good to have something I know I'm good with, when the rest of my life is a long hopeless process of convincing myself that I don't Suck.

In Which I Get On The Topic of My TRUE Self, Which Is General Fangirl

Of course, in real life, all these serious real life things take up most of my, well, real life. This is why I often distract myself by thinking about and caring about things that Technically Aren't Important In The Grand Scheme of Things, but Nonetheless Interest and Amuse Me. Take, for example, the subject of my last real post, The Fuse #8 Children's Book Poll Countdown. I am still obsessed with it, but possibly a little disappointed. I should have seen that coming, because I DID change my votes around from last time, and the WAY I changed them around was by adding MORE OBSCURE stuff I'd discovered, and stubbornly still voting for Ghosts I Have Been even though I was the only person who voted for it last time. But we're up in the 30s now, and there are a LOT of my votes I know I'm going to have to give up on showing up by this point. Now, there are votes I KNOW are going to show up later, way at the top of the polls-- I suspect about half my ten novels will end up in the top ten of that list (Wrinkle, Secret Garden, Anne, Holes, and Harry Potter, specifically. They were all in the top ten LAST time, at least), but so far not only have I only gotten ONE of my votes on that list (at #31... which still seems low to me. How is Alice not Top Ten for EVERYONE? This may be my own brain issues), and even my Almost-votes have been few and far between. Though, there's also been more titles I've never read... which may mean more exciting discoveries!

Anyway, I've had much more luck with the Picture Book list: I've had at least three votes make it already, and lots more I love. Though I know by now I probably need to give up on seeing my biggest new pick, Barbara Lehman's The Red Book, make it, and though I was shocked to see Daniel Pinkwater's Big Orange Splot actually make the list last time, there's no way it's getting past #30 this time. But that's only two of the picture books. The others I suspect I'll be seeing eventually.

...of stuff I've read lately...

But speaking of good books, I've had good fortune in the reading department lately, after my long dry spell of being burnt out. The LAST FOUR BOOKS I'VE READ have all been getting-caught-up-in, not-wanting-to-put-down, attempting-to-get-away-with-reading-at-more-times-of-day-than-just-before-bed books. It's been awhile since I've encountered even ONE of those in a row. Granted, it's still taken me an entire month to get THROUGH these four books, and actually I'm still not done with two of them (one's nonfiction, one's fiction, one's on my Nook, one's a real book from the library-- so they're two completely different reading experiences. That's how I can read them both at the same time).

There was, of course, The Dark Lord of Derkholm, which neatly encompassed everything that is so great about Diana Wynne Jones, and I have a bit of a new literary crush on Derk. Which is funny because my other DWJ crush is Chrestomanci, who, aside from being a magic user and a father, is UTTERLY COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. But Derk reminded me a bit of a character of my own that I've had brewing-- for that possibly turning The Pipeweed Mafia Saga into something Useful-- and in general that whole idea felt oddly DWJ-ish-- so as usual, she sparks my imagination. I LOVE THAT WOMAN. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE HER.

There was Akata Witch by Nnedi Okorafor, an upper-middle-grade fantasy that REALLY needs more attention, because it's so delightfully unique-- actually, speaking of which, it was blurbed by Diana Wynne Jones, and you can see why. It's thoroughly CREEPY (the bad guy is a serial killer, and there's something so REALISTIC about that in the middle of a fantasy that it makes it a thousand times scarier than some fantastic monster would be) and yet laugh out loud funny at times, full of unique magical twists. Also, it takes place in Nigeria. The only other SFF I've read set in Africa and incorporating African mythology (not counting Egypt-- Egypt gets done) is another of my favorites, The Ear, the Eye, and the Arm, which as I've said also makes me say "Why on earth is there not more SFF set in Africa?! It's so rich with possibility!"

The two books I'm in the middle of reading are actually adult books, because that happens sometimes. The one on the Nook-- which I try to confine myself to little bits of off and on, to make it last longer-- is the ever-delightful, unbelievably hilarious, kindredly (and vocally-supportively) mentally ill Bloggess's memoir Let's Pretend This Never Happened. And look, people, I was never AGAINST eReading-- using the Internet is, after all, eReading, and I do a lot of that-- but after only the INTRODUCTION I regretted not having the book in hard copy, if only because a hard copy is much easier to throw at Jason (maybe not literally) and say "READ THIS. Just this chapter at least. And the next chapter." Not so easy to share on a Nook. Unless the other person has a Nook. So somehow actually OWNING an eReader has made me MORE of a luddite about paper books. (Though I do love it for Internet reading, and interesting apps. I got a thesaurus app. It's pretty awesome).

The other book is kind of ironic because it's by Shannon Hale, who mostly writes YA, but somehow I've NEVER read any of her actual YA books (except the graphic novel Rapunzel's Revenge which is debatably Middle Grade anyway), but I've now, counting this one, read ALL her ADULT books. WEIRD. And this one is probably my favorite of said adult books, even over her Austen-themed ones: The Actor and the Housewife, which is, *ahem,* frighteningly similar to, uh, some of my own fantasies, only involving very different characters. Actually, just recently Hale blogged that the main character was probably her "most controversial character" and that lots of people didn't like her because she was "hard to relate to" or something. As I started READING the book just a few days later, I thought "WHAT?!" I friggin' LOVE Becky Jack! Granted, she might be a little much to take in person in real life (I would feel utterly inadequate in her presense), but as a book character she is hilarious and unique and I love her SO THERE, WORLD.

...and of film and such lately

Speaking of *muttering* inappropriatefantasiesinvolvingactorsandhousewives */endmuttering,* you do realize what television thing happened in this past month, right? I'M AFRAID MAYBE YOU DON'T. Sherlock series 2 finally made it to PBS! And now it's over again! It zipped by in three weeks with entirely not enough fanfare. Where WAS fandom? Oh, right, they'd all already pirated the show or bought UK DVDs for their Region-Free players. :P I felt utterly lonely-- once more, it was like nobody cared but me. BUT, somehow, I managed to get Jason hooked too. He probably STARTED watching just to poke fun of Martin Freeman whenever possible (he never stopped with that)-- also he claimed he was there to keep me from licking the TV-- but after very little time he was actually enjoying it properly, laughing in the right places, exclaiming about plot twists, and NOT BEING DISTRACTED BY ANYTHING ELSE, which in itself is amazing for Mr. ADHD. And no matter what Jason says, MARTIN WAS AWESOME. He was SO UTTERLY PERFECTLY WONDERFUL. That's how I review things, all balanced and objective, like. Anyway, I don't know why Jason was so offended when I burst out how desperately I wanted to hug John Watson at the end. WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO HUG HIM? I'm just saying. Anyway, so if you, once again, MISSED IT, I'm pretty sure PBS is still streaming it on their website. SERIOUSLY I'M NOT KIDDING, GO BASK IN MY IMAGINARY HUSBAND BEING AWESOME. And everyone else being pretty much awesome, too, but that's just a bonus.

Okay, right, in other TV news, sort of, did you know The A.V. Club is now retroactively reviewing Animaniacs? It is even MORE AWESOME THAN I EXPECTED, bringing back so many laughs I'd forgotten about. Like this one somebody brought up in the comments: "Okay one time, see one time, Randy Beaman's aunt was sitting on her porch, and she felt her dog licking her feet, only it wasn't her dog, it was some crazy guy who liked doing that. Okay, bye." I'D COMPLETELY forgot about the Randy Beaman bits, PERIOD, and THAT one was like my FAVORITE LINE EVER. I laughed so hard reading that comment that I was forced to de-lurk myself just to comment how excited I was about it. Seriously. Best cartoon ever. NO ARGUING.

In Which I Try To Wrap Things Up

So, is that it? Is that the past month, or at least, everything you need to know about it? Kids are all right. So's everybody. We's getting on at least. And now I'll go make sure the kids aren't destroying anything or each other. Maybe, MAYBE, I'll post more often after this.

[Note: I started writing this yesterday, so the dates don't line up. So you should think of this paragraph beginning as "YESTERDAY morning." I'm not going to change it because I'm just like that]

This morning, just before I woke, I was having what seemed at first glance to be a remarkably realistic dream: I sat down to write for you all a yearly-retrospective blog post,* and the date was even today's date-- how often do dreams actually get the date right, let alone remember that this is also the birthdate of one of my best college friends and J.R.R. Tolkien, which it also acknowledged? Good calendar-following, subconscious. "I am sitting in a lovely new house," I typed-- it was, it was gorgeous, and there was a game room and a Jacuzzi and the kitchen was large and warm and homey-- "and I've just discovered an extra bag of Sarris' pretzels I had no idea we had. That about sums it up: 2011 was a pretty good year."

In the light of morning-- or the twilight of near-morning in January, when before the sun had even risen I'd already had my morning journaling interrupted by a small girl wailing about an ear infection and a call from the husband warning me that the roads were awful and I'd need to plan ahead to make sure the driveway was clear before attempting to take small girl to the doctors'-- this dream was utterly puzzling. 2011 a good year? Really? Off the top of my head I would have called 2011 a pretty Sucky year, seeing that I spent over half of it in various degrees of depression and pretty much nothing got accomplished. For the most part, listing what was great about 2011 seems primarily listing the stuff that at least didn't go wrong. We have water. We're all relatively healthy. We're not starving. We're not living in a war zone. No one I cared about died tragically... except Diana Wynne Jones and the unborn child I only knew about for three days... but that tips us precariously toward the "things that outright Sucked about 2011" side of the issue, and certainly isn't helping me figure out what my subconscious was thinking by "pretty good."

So how was what, at first glance, was a pretty crappy year pretty GOOD instead? THIS IS AN IMPORTANT EXERCISE IN POSITIVE THINKING. We'll start with a biggie: the Beautiful New Library. The Beautiful New Library for which I now work COMPLETELY in the children's and young adults departments, my specialty. For which I am now IN CHARGE of the YA collection! Why, this summer I ran delicious teen cooking programs and introduced elementary-school kids to the joys of gory fairy tale retellings! If we ignore the stresses from confused job duties, and the juggling of child care, and juvenile delinquents on my watch, that's a pretty good thing, is it not?

On the homefront, my son started preschool and appears to be thriving. My daughter got herself potty-trained which means I NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DIAPERS AGAIN.

And while I'm inclined to put my writer's block on this year's list of Suckiness, the objective truth is I've actually written more THIS year than I did LAST year. Granted, most of that was journaling, and most of that journaling was whining about how I'm too tired to journal. But I did have a bit of fun writing to prompts for awhile, and actually, the twenty-some pages of Pipeweed Mafia Saga I managed to squeeze out (while completely useless and Utterly Wrong in an able-to-share-with-the-world sense, and I've had TWO separate episodes halfway done for months without finishing) were SO much fun to write and in the end brought me so much insane joy-- and I honestly think I MAY be able to turn them into something useful, someday, if I can figure out a way to not tie them so closely to real people, movies, and books (though SOMEHOW I have to keep the Aslan-in-a-Bucket. I MADE MYSELF A DATABASE OF CONTEXTLESS ASLAN QUOTES just to help me write the Aslan-in-a-Bucket. That's dedication for a story that only one other person has ever read), I think that may be one of the highlights of the whole year. It made Andy Serkis admitting his pipeweed problem in the latest Hobbit production video THAT MUCH MORE HILARIOUS (Oh, I have done such horrible fictional things to Andy Serkis. This is why the Saga is not fit for public consumption). Speaking of, HOBBIT TRAILER! Definitely among the year's Awesomeness. Also all the trailers and clips released for Sherlock Series 2! Okay, basically anything I saw this year starring Martin Freeman. Or, just him, period. Definitely part of the Awesomeness of the year, and the Awesomeness of the universe in general for his existence, though the universe is not so Awesome for refusing to acknowledge that we are Soul Mates. Stupid universe. (It's debatable whether having the World's Hugest Stupidest Crush on a movie star is Awesome or Sucky in and of itself, though). *AHEM*

Speaking of Awesomeness Achieved Through Movie Trailers, we'd be amiss not to mention OMG THE HUNGER GAMES TRAILER, which is impossible to refer to without tagging that "OMG" onto the front. Perhaps I'm setting myself up for a Sucky Birthday 2012 (I've decided to celebrate my birthday a week early by going to the movies. Who wants to go with me? We'll make it a PARTY) by getting my EXPECTATIONS SO TOTALLY BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION, but as far as 2011 was concerned... dude. Did I mention I COULDN'T GET MY HEARTRATE DOWN FOR FOUR HOURS AFTER WATCHING THAT TRAILER?! And yes, that's evidence of "Awesomeness" not "Suckiness" in this case.

Though that brings us back to the subject of books, which has been a freakishly Sucky subject for me this past year. Not that the books were Sucky, just my ability to enjoy them was. But there were SOME moments of glorious book-loving, so we'll be sure to mention Those Good Times here, too.

Of course the Awesomest book-related event of the year was probably Michelle Cooper sending me an autographed, personalized book. From Australia. For no reason other than she thinks I'm Awesome. This actually has been a fun year for interacting with authors, period. Partly this is the result of Twitter. Hmm, Twitter. Where can I put you on the Awesome-to-Sucky continuum? On the one hand, you are so dang addictive. On the other hand... you are so dang addictive. *AHEM AGAIN*

But this reminds me that I have made a lot of very nice online friends-or-at-least-acquaintances this past year-- particularly elouise82, @easyqueenie, and @beckiezra. The Internet is nice in the Virtual Friendship department, and it has been very nice indeed this past year.

Finally... I got awesome Christmas presents. Is this worth listing? Probably. Whatever it takes to highlight the Pretty Goodness of 2011.

So in the end, this is a rather long list of decent-to-Awesomeness found in 2011. And whatever the true Awesomeness value of the past year, it's this NEXT year that matters, anyway. And we all know that, at least on this blog, 2012 will be a VERY GOOD YEAR INDEED, because it's THE YEAR OF THE TESSERACT!!!!! I'm halfway done with next week's post, and I do believe it rocks. At least, I think it rocks. And if I am the only person who actually enjoys The Year of the Tesseract, well... I WILL HAVE THOROUGHLY ENJOYED MY YEAR.

So all is well. Have a Virtual Sarris' pretzel.

--
*(Do you remember when every year people would post a survey that was supposed to be your yearly retrospective post? I miss surveys, but looking at this one it's clear what I have done here is a much more interesting and productive retrospective. Who really needs me to waste space on how I continued to not hate people and have no one-night stands?)

I'm typing this post to stave off apathy. I'm having a terrible problem with apathy lately. Just now I was consolidating all the Best Books of 2011 lists I could find --official ones, not people's personal ones, because that would just take too long-- and I'm glazing over these titles and descriptions thinking "That sounds like something I would have used to like-- back when I liked books like that-- which was, let me see, um, possibly a few months ago." Earlier this summer I suspected this was a bad side effect of antidepressants, but it obviously isn't, because I'm not on antidepressants. Although it COULD be a side effect of me NEEDING to be on antidepressants, just obviously not on whichever antidepressants make it impossible for me to read.

And anyway, it's sad because it's almost time for MY Favorite Books of the Year list, and last year I was SO excited by this prospect and had SO much to write about that my list ended up being really, really, really, and also really, long. But this year, I AM NOT EXCITED ABOUT IT! I may be able to produce only ONE Top Ten list, and that NOT broken into categories such as new books or old books or sequels, because I just DO NOT CARE too much about most of the books I have read!

But NEXT year-- by which I mean, in two 1/2 weeks-- I will have a PROJECT for my blog, in which I will OFTEN and REGULARLY post with MUCH ENTHUSIASM. At least that's what my plan is. I'm hoping I can WORK up an enthusiasm.

I just read this post at Writer's First Aid on how your first step in writing should be to Have a Reason to Write. Well no WONDER I can't write anything, either!

So anyway, I've come to the conclusion that the only cure for my general apathy is to break it on some kind of challenge/project that is TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM USUAL, because I'm too emotionally tied to the idea of writing or reading or whatever to break out of my apathy by force of will alone. I need to build up my self-confidence in some other area of my life and let it run off into the rest of it, but none of the actual current areas of my life are doing the trick, which means the only solution is for me to learn to play rock drums so as I can start my all-girl Beatles Tribute Band, Lovely Rita and the Meter Maids. Really, this is the most simple solution. It does not require me to run away to England or New York City. It does not require a huge amount of child-free time to accomplish. It does not require all that much of a financial investment, for the time being, though I am not sure what happened to the drum sticks I used to have. Let alone, you know, DRUMS. But that's what furniture is for! Also, I believe LESSONS would come in useful. But in all seriousness, I feel learning to play the drums would be a satisfying and affirming accomplishment for me to strive for. If anyone is still struggling to come up with a Christmas present for me, drum lessons might do it. Also new sticks, since I don't know what happened to mine.

Granted, six years of piano lessons as a child didn't make me anywhere near likely to be a decent rock keyboardist, so I can't guarantee SUCCESS in the endeavor, let alone the eventual existence of Lovely Rita and the Meter Maids. But I will GET TO BEAT ON THINGS. And that will be satisfying enough.

Just typing this has made me significantly more cheerful by the end of this post than I was when I started. Hooray for theoretical beating on things!

Sigh. Friends-lock. Why do I even bother with you anymore? I suppose there's no other option, because that last entry was the sort of stuff not appropriate for certain people I actually am Facebook friends with. No offense to all my Facebook friends (now you're all paranoid and wondering if it was you, aren't you). That was pretty much an entry that would have been more appropriate for all the library-ish people that read me, anyway. It just wouldn't be appropriate to have show up on the Facebook account that is also the administrator of my workplace's own Facebook page, WOULD it?

So, to avoid this being nothing but me whining about how nobody reads my friends-locked posts, I'll add that Maddie is getting new bedroom furniture, all handed down from her aunt-- or, actually, her grandparents who want it out of their house. This is so exciting that neither small child has been able to nap properly today, because new beds are for JUMPING, not sleeping, even though they are both still getting over their awful colds. Which I now have myself, although it hasn't (yet) hit me quite as EVILLY.

I've started writing another Proper Interesting Bloggish entry, so never fear, these will happen again. It's just that it's One Book Writing Time, so it happens MUCH LESS FREQUENTLY...

New shipment of furniture at the door, goodbye.

Over the weekend people on my Twitter feed kept Tweeting and Retweeting links to a blog post-- on LiveJournal, even, so you can't blame format-- someone had written on the socioeconomic downside of insisting that Print is Dead, accompanied by notes about how this was Very Important and Genius and Whatnot-- also, the original post had five pages of comments-- and of course I agreed perfectly. After all, I'd said as much myself last winter in my series on electronic media. But instead of being all, "Yes, go people, get the word out!" ... I found myself pouting in adolescent snittiness. I SAID IT LAST WINTER. But nobody LISTENS to ME.

WHY DOES NOBODY LISTEN TO ME? NOBODY LOVES ME! I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I AM GOING TO BLAST DEPRESSING MUSIC AND NOT COME OUT OF MY ROOM, EVER, unless I get hungry. WHY IS THERE NEVER ANYTHING GOOD TO EAT IN THIS HOUSE? YOU ARE TRYING TO STARVE ME, AREN'T YOU.

Now I admit I was more than a bit PMSy this weekend, which you might have gathered had you bravely read my last entry. I am aware that raging hormones cancel out all logical ability. I work in the Teen Room of a public library after all. I know, with the cortex of my brain, that the stuff I say on my blog has very little impact on the Internet at Large. I'm an unknown, without a gimmick, a focus, or any authority whatsoever. Why SHOULD anything I have written make any sort of wave? But my amygdala (appropriate name, there) starts up with its panicky "But wait! What about ME? Doesn't anybody love ME? I FIND THE LACK OF ME-CENTERED-NESS DISTURBING!" and the jealousy begins. Why aren't people rebroadcasting MY brilliant wisdom and charming wit all over the Internet? ...probably because I don't often say anything really, truly original. Mostly I'm just ranting, reviewing books that have already been out for, you know, MONTHS, or... well, dudes, seriously, if OTHER people are writing long theses on why Martin Freeman is actually their Imaginary Husband, that would just be frightening. Those people might actually have to be hunted down and exterminated. So anyway, when I AM truly original, it's probably best I remain that way, and it's really not necessary to rebroadcast me all over the Internet. BUT SOMETIMES I'm clever and original and worth sharing, right? Maybe? And maybe I can get credit for it sometimes?

But I know it's all silliness, and I shake my head condescendingly at myself.


But I reassure myself: I have grown over the course of my life. I hear talk of what jealous people writers can be, jealous of other people's sales and successes. And I used to be very possessive of my Writer status, as a child. I was the resident WRITER of the school. Maybe other people liked writing, but I was the one who was going to grow up to be a Proper Author. I pouted when others scored higher on writing assignments than me. I pouted when others got PRAISED for writing. Heck, I even still had a problem when ANGIE came along, Angie whose brilliant stories and poems I read over and over fanatically of my own free will, Angie my first true critique partner. Somehow, in the back of my head, I thought, Okay, I guess I can allow Angie to be a great POET, maybe. But I'm going to write the BOOKS.

I don't do that anymore. Well for one thing there's that problem with, you know, NOT WRITING ANYTHING PROPER LATELY IN THE FIRST PLACE. But it's also because I've accepted that everyone's outlook is UNIQUE, and there's no such thing as too many writers. Now when I find out someone writes, I'm excited, because I CAN'T WAIT TO READ WHAT THEY'VE WRITTEN. (With some exceptions. Girl from my hometown came out with a YA book the other year. Got good reviews. Made the BBYA list. I ordered it for our library. Girl's older brother was in my class. He was a complete psychopath. Book involves main character's complete psychopath older brother. I cannot read this book). How can I possibly be against MORE GREAT STORIES BEING PUT INTO THE WORLD?!

So I've grown. I'm not a selfish I-Am-The-Writer anymore. I'm all for cheering on everybody else, too.

...it's just the green-eyed monster has snuck off to chew on OTHER issues. Like writers who are somehow able to write productively even though they have small children (I'm sorry, elouise82. I know you are totally one of these people, and I love you dearly. BUT HOW DO YOU DO THAT?!). And the ones who say, "I couldn't have done it without my super-supportive and totally understanding spouse, who is either a wonderful first reader or at least makes a big effort to make sure I get ample writing time to myself!" I glower at you all.

Kiersten White is totally one of those writers. She's drafted three whole novels this year even with two small children, and she even wants another, and she's got lovey-dovey odes to her husband all over the place. I should hate her, except a) she's too freaking hilarious to hate, and b) she wrote this absolutely perfect post the other day describing exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about. We all get a little dumb about stuff and people on the Internet sometimes. So I'm sorry. Have a unicorn.

Except I don't like unicorns. Flowers. I'll be the flower person. You can have lots and lots of flowers.

It's an odd day because the public school is closed because downtown has been taken over by Oktoberfest.

People still insist on thinking it's weird that we have Oktoberfest in September. FOR GOSH SAKES ALREADY THAT'S NOT WEIRD, THAT'S JUST WHEN OKTOBERFEST IS. See, Wikipedia explains it, which makes everything right. What IS sort of weird is that this town has such a huge Oktoberfest in the first place. It's not like we have an overwhelming German/Bavarian population in the town, no more than usual for Western Pennsylvania (which, I'll grant you, is still fairly large), not like the Italian and Greek populations we boast. But we have THE hugest Oktoberfest in at least this half of the state, kind of like how we also have THE hugest July 4th parade in this half of the state, and I'm not ENTIRELY sure why my community has taken to these two events as ...HUGELY as it has.

But it has, which means starting from the library and going up three blocks or so there is a FULL-BLOWN CARNIVAL BEING CONSTRUCTED, and all the kids have off school...

...which means they ARE hanging out at the library... but they're also not, because there's a HUGE CARNIVAL out there to go hang around instead, even though it's not technically open until later this afternoon.

So... odd day. I'm not even sure where I was going with those paragraphs. I actually thought I had more to write about this when I started this entry. Actually, I thought I had more to write about, period. Didn't I post three times last week? Why don't I suddenly have loads of brilliant things to post THIS week?

Has anything of interest happened to me lately? ...No, probably not. Have I read, watched, or listened to something of which I have an opinion I can force upon you all? ...probably, when you include "listened to," because I can't listen to the radio without having an opinion on it, but I don't have much to TYPE about it, either. Oh, except that I've recently decided I hate radio commercials even more than I used to.

I KNOW. How is that POSSIBLE, you are saying, at least if you are among the people who has ever ridden in a car with me while I have access to the stereo controls? The difference is, in the past I didn't want to MISS ANY OF THE MUSIC that was happening on the other stations. Now, THE COMMERCIALS ARE ACTUALLY PAINFUL IN AND OF THEMSELVES. The jingles are annoying, the voices grating, the humor appealing to the lowest common denominator, and the serious ones-- well, also appealing to the lowest common denominator. AND THEY REPEAT OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Of course the easy solution to this is Don't Listen to the Radio, but the radio's all I've got in the kitchen usually, and definitely it's all I've got on my clock radio. Well, the other option there is a buzzer alarm. I'll stick with the occasionally infuriating radio.

When I wake up in the morning and do my morning journaling, most of it usually ends up being what I was just dreaming (selection from last night: I'm sitting looking at these historical books with my dad and some other girl and this lady who looks like the lady with the annoying voice on Will and Grace, but with less of an annoying voice, and we're discussing the sorry state of society today or something of that nature when the other girl says, rhetorically, "Well, you know what they say...." And the other lady replies, " 'Living is fatal'?" And the first girl does a double-take and says, "Um, I guess." And I thought the whole thing was very funny, but then again I was sleeping at the time), anyway, so most of it ends up being what I was dreaming, but entirely too much of it also ends up being a running commentary of whatever is happening on the radio.

...okay, again the solution here appears to be Don't Listen to the Radio, at least when you're trying to write; but even when I'm NOT listening to the radio, my morning journaling will go into great detail about whatever song is in my head at the time, and then about whatever song that reminds me of, and then I may feel compelled to turn the radio on just to get a song OUT of my head.

At the moment I don't have any songs in my head, oddly enough. I am hearing nothing but the swelling rumble of a large industrial HVAC system and the clicking of my own computer keys. I don't even hear any teenagers. They've appeared to have gone out to stalk the Oktoberfest setup again.

But as I wasn't actually saying about the morning writing, because I hadn't gotten this far when I felt compelled to inform you that I didn't have any songs in my head, my original Grand Goals for Morning Writing-- you know, how I was going to write productively and write to prompts and so on and so forth? Have definitely taken a hit lately. Part of this is because the days are getting shorter, which means it's staying darker longer, which makes me less inclined to wake up at a decent hour. That or I'm exceedingly lazy lately, I'm not sure which. But ANOTHER part of this is because, three days a week, I've got to get Sam off to school. I look like much less of the lazybum in comparison to Sam. I've got to get moving early, which means skipping out on a lot of my former Morning Writing time, just so I can more conveniently get HIM moving, which is EXCEEDINGLY DIFFICULT, and he tends to be eating his breakfast on the way most days. He is DEFINITELY NOT a morning person. I've always thought of myself as a morning person, but I'm not really, I'm just DEFINITELY NOT a night person. I'm a ten o'clock in the morning person. Actually, that's probably my only alert and productive hour of the day, except that most days I'm using that hour to toddler-wrangle.

...so as I was saying. You know how I was moaning recently about how I don't read as much as I used to? And I was thinking about how somehow this has made me even pickier about what I WANT to read, and how therefore there are lots of titles I may have gladly picked up in the past that I WON'T now because I JUST DON'T CARE enough to make the time to read them. Anyway, I started to wonder if maybe (now that my ability to CONCENTRATE has returned. Not that you can tell from this post) I'm actually SHIFTING MODES. That maybe I've been on Input Mode for the past few years, wanting just to read and read and read, but NOW maybe I'm shifting to OUTPUT MODE! MAYBE I HAVE HUGE PILES OF STUFF I'M GOING TO WRITE NOW!

...except, um, I see very little evidence of that happening. Possibly I've stalled out between modes.

CAN there be a stalled-out mode? What exactly is the POINT of a person who is neither inputting or outputting?

Honestly, I'm not sure WHAT'S happening in my life. I feel like I am mediocre-ly involved in various realities, fully and completely present and active NOWHERE. And I'm including my imagination in this. Even my imagination is mediocre lately. I'M NOT EVEN DAYDREAMING WELL LATELY!

I HAVE been puttering ahead on One Book. I include it in the list of things I am accomplishing only mediocre-ly, but I nonetheless am progressing slowly but... slowly at it. It's pretty much the only thing I can point to tangible evidence of me MAKING progress at, so at least there's that. Mediocre progress though it may be.

So anyway, probably I should stop typing this now and attempt to be marginally productive in some less mediocre way.

And this post is so mediocre I can't even find a userpic that feels appropriate for it. There's always the default of course. Which is an utterly mediocre choice. Although it's so dang FRIENDLY, it still doesn't seem right....

*I'm not just saying this in some effort to appear squeaky-clean for the Internet's benefit. I don't. It's disgusting. I don't like wine either. I prefer a sweet mixed drink that tempers the alcohol with nicer-tasting ingredients such as ice cream.