Too Many Books: A Whine You Probably Shouldn't Read But I'm Putting Out Anyway As Therapy

[rockinlibrarian]

NOTE: I'm kind of unsure about my personal blog, now that I write on a MUCH LARGER PLATFORM over at GeekMom. I could kind of count on being mostly ignored here on my little corner of the internet, just talking to the few people who knew I was here, so I could just WHINE STUPIDLY to the universe every so often and no one would care. So I apologize. This is one of those whiny depressing unhelpful-to-anyone-else posts so if you're looking for something professional from me, this isn't it.

Well then, if you're still here, let's begin:

I couldn't figure out why I was getting depressed sitting at my desk in the library. I LOVE the library. I LOVE my job. Sure I have depression issues but I'm managing them and anyway it's just something about this desk that's weird. It's not all the time. It's not when I'm working on programs or booklists or specific orders or helping patrons (unless I'm already depressed, then my INTROVERSION kicks in). It's days like today, when I have to catch up with review reading and updating my Massive Spreadsheet Of New Books.

Right now I've got 1317 books on that list. 1317 books published for children through teens by a traditional publisher in the past two years that I HAVEN'T BOUGHT for the library yet, and considering I have just $37 dollars left in my teen budget for the year (at least I still have a thousand in children's) it's a good bet most of them WON'T get bought. But I'm thinking, "SO MANY BOOKS! WHY CAN'T WE HAVE ALL THE BOOKS?" And then I think how I'll never get around to reading most of the books I HAVE bought, let alone all the books from the past I haven't read, and all the ADULT books (as in, not children's or YA, not, like, "Adult"), period (disclaimer, I'm reading an adult book right now, the Bloggess's latest, Furiously Happy. But that's because I love her desperately and so have made the exception), and you add in self-published books and magazines and blogs and fanfiction, it's like SO MANY BOOKS! SO MANY WORDS! INFORMATION OVERLOAD! TOO MUCH TO READ!

And the blogs and other review sources I use, they've got me on the We Need Diverse Books train. Because we do. But we always hear how putting diverse characters in books is good and all, but when people who aren't that minority do it they usually do it wrong even when they're trying, so what we really need is diverse AUTHORS, and I'm as un-diverse as can be. Books have been full of mirrors for me FOREVER. Maybe that's why I got into books. A white straight American mainstream-Christian able-bodied cis-girl who dreams and reads in her happy middle-class home with both parents, OH GAH THAT'S LIKE EVERY CHILDRENS-YA BOOK IN HISTORY. Well, some writers will reassure me, you can't please everyone so just do the best you can adding diverse characters and accept that somebody might say "Hey, you portrayed that wrong!"

But it doesn't MATTER, because it will take a huge effort to get myself writing fiction again, and how can I ever feel like I can start when I see ALL THE BOOKS and I know IT'S NOT MY VOICE that people need?

It doesn't MATTER, because I have so much to fill my time as it is. I share books with children, maybe that's my part, I can connect all sorts of books with all sorts of children and I will give them the windows and mirrors they need to grow and THAT'S ALL I'M NEEDED FOR in the world of story. I write BLOGS occasionally, ARTICLES, and now I have an even bigger platform for my articles. I have my journal, where I can do the writing I need to do to keep my head on straight, just for me, which when people say "writers can't stop writing," THAT'S the thing I can't stop writing, just my journals. I don't have any STORIES I need to tell. And I have two children and a husband who feel I never give them enough attention, and a house that I KNOW I don't give enough attention, and I have my sewing projects, which have been my major outlet of creativity lately after library programming which is probably my BIGGEST outlet of creativity, to be honest.

I just DON'T NEED to write fiction. I have no stories pouring out of me, and nobody would need to hear them even if I did. There are too many books, and my voice isn't needed.

So why does this continual realization of basic fact make me so depressed.

Comments

[catarina niza (from livejournal.com)]

Methinks you're over-obsessing over the SHOULDS and the RIGHTS and the CAN'TS and the "nobody needs to hear my voice" (srsly? srsly? SRSLY? Don't writers write because they wanna write, not because they think they're gonna add something grandiose to the world? Hemingway would be disappointed. Also possibly drunk.)

This is incredibly hypocritical of me to say, but you need to CHIIIIIILL. And when you do, the chips will fall where they may. Am I technically wrong?

If you have a friend who can drag you to a meditation class or something that would be stellar. If not, YOUTUBE ASMR! YEY!

PS: IS there a way I can subscribe to your posts?

[rockinlibrarian.livejournal.com]

To be honest, I've been having altering-of-medications issues all weekend, and I seriously DID need to chill because I was constantly on the verge of a panic attack. But really I just needed to stop what I was taking and go back to the old way, according to my psychiatrist this morning. :P

Yeah, writers write because they want to write, which is why I've been having this identity crisis for so long. I want other people to give me PERMISSION to write because I can't seem to give that permission to myself.

As for subscriptions, I thought livejournal had a little RSS link on the side, but I can't find it anymore. If you have a Feedly you can add it there, because my Feedly is putting its little Add This button up in the corner, too. Or you could follow JUST ME NOT ALL THOSE OTHER DISTRACTING PEOPLE on Twitter because it goes up automatically there. Too bad Facebook sucks about actually showing when people post stuff. Although they do let you mark people as "IMPORTANT: SEND ME NOTIFICATIONS!" there?

[elouise82.livejournal.com]

You know one thing I really appreciate about your voice, about your writing? You are really clear-sighted, and you can see both sides, and the reasonable middle path (as in your "Side Arms" post, among others). This comes out really clearly in your journaling here, but I've also seen it in the fiction you've sent me to read. And you have a real heart for people who are hurting, especially children, which is probably one reason why you are such an excellent children's librarian, because you know that books are one way to heal children (and adults) and give them hope. And maybe your non-fiction writing, and your librarian-ing are the best ways for you to use your unique Amy-voice to contribute to the world right now - but that doesn't mean your voice is unneeded, or even that this will always be how you contribute. Maybe someday in the future you'll find a story that begs you to write it, and it will be a gift you can share with others - maybe it won't have the diversity aspect, but it will have something else that IS helpful, that is needed, that is universal. Because that clearness of vision and heart for children who hurt IS universal, and DOES matter, and EVERYONE needs stories where kindness and clarity triumph over injustice and cruelty and unrighteous zeal. So however you use your voice, now and in the future, it IS a voice that is needed.

[catarina niza (from livejournal.com)]

Oh my God, it's raining on my face.
Let me second everything said here... can't even.

[rockinlibrarian.livejournal.com]

Thank you. You have said just the right things.

[angela gayan galik (from livejournal.com)]

Please let me third everything here! I know how hard it is to give yourself permission to write, and the idea that there are so many books already and why on earth would one's own contributions be needed and what would one write about anyway. But I can tell you that first, diversity of many identity aspects is needed, and I would bet that there are numerous things about you (identity/life experience/life challenge-wise) that do not have as much representation as they should have, and there are probably things you WOULD want to communicate to a younger person growing up with or dealing with some of the challenges that you have faced, that no one else has quite said yet. And that is the other thing, which is that there are many types of diversity, one being the fact that you as a human being have a perspective that is completely unique and utterly yours alone. The way YOU SEE things can be expressed by ONLY YOU, and as has been said, yours is a perspective which it would truly benefit humanity to have out there.

AND you do beautiful and amazing service to Story in your work and in your posts and articles and in all the ways you connect people with books. You inspire me! And as long as you keep making time to open the gate, the stories that want to be told through you will come out. 💗💗💗

[rockinlibrarian.livejournal.com]

Thank you also. Being that you actually have degrees in underrepresented-voices-in-literature, it makes it extra nice to hear from you! Also I appreciate your taste in general, but, you know.