Inspirationless

[rockinlibrarian]

I don't feel like writing (my stories I mean), but I feel like I WANT to, but I just stare at the page and feel not like actually doing it. I don't have anything worth saying on here either. I don't have anything worth saying to anyone else. I don't have a good book to read. I don't want to do CHORES before bed. I don't want to think too much. I feel pensively sad and don't know why. I wish I was a kid. No, that's wrong, I wish I could be a grown-up kid. No... I wish I could lock myself away in the dreamworld of my mind, where everything is the way I imagine it, and there is none of the craziness that is the rest of the world. But the people I love are out in the world... if I want to be with them, I can't be locked into myself... I wish they were all in my world, too.

Comments

[rockinlibrarian.livejournal.com]

So this feeling kept hanging on me and crept into my dreams so I ended up waking up in the middle of the night with a bad dream --coincidentally the Electric Prunes "Too Much to Dream (Last Night)" JUST freakin' came on the computer-- anyway: it all just encapsulated what I was feeling, and it was scary.
The part that it started was, Jason was smoking a cigarette, and I yelled at him "Why are you doing that?!?" and he said something like "Why shouldn't I?" and I said "But that's why I WENT with you, because you WEREN'T smoking and junk like Angie and everybody else!" I felt totally betrayed. This section, interpreted, is about my feeling sad about having grown apart from my friends, which was one of the major things on my mind last night. Just feeling that I might emotionally lose everyone I care about. Then I was cleaning a bathroom and thought we had lost Bethany's pet turtle (she does not have a pet turtle in real life. She has a dog, who I think has the same name as the turtle had in the dream, Ajax, which is kind of appropriate considering it was supposed to be in the bathtub), and Bethany said something about No it's in the car, I gave it to George Harrison to watch over (this made sense at the time); that section of the dream I can't think how to interpret, it just happened in the middle; so anyway we were going to go out by way of the garage (it all took place in this huge make-believe house by the way) so as to get the turtle out of the car; and I went around making sure all the doors were locked and the lights turned out, and went to turn off the stereo. I had been listening, from the beginning of the dream, to The Wall, and flipped forward a few tracks before I turned the stereo off, but woke up with "Goodbye Blue Sky" in my head, and much as Pink Floyd is one of my second favorite groups in the history of the world, and in daylight I really LIKE "Goodbye Blue Sky," that's actually quite a scary song, when you think about it, in the middle of the night... it so completely captured my hopeless feelings of the evening before. Actually I think the fact that I was listening to The Wall is the most relevant part of interpreting this dream. It was that feeling of everything being "all just bricks in the wall," the feeling of regressing then behind the Wall, that was TOTALLY what I was feeling. But it feels extra scary to have it all come out in the middle of the night. Frankly I don't ever recommend listening to The Wall in the middle of the night anyway, unless you're in a very good mood.
But, so, just sharing what happened to the feelings expressed in this original entry.
Then I went to sleep and had better dreams. I dreamed it was your birthday, Megan. When is your birthday, anyway? It's actually my brother's birthday today.