rockinlibrarian: (eggman)
 So when I posted "Thoughts on the Autistic Spectrum" now-part-one, a lot of my friends perhaps misinterpreted the reasoning behind my post-- "You're not weird! Lots of people do those things!" Really I was just explaining my odd emotional state, not asking for reassurances that I'm normal. I know I'm not NORMAL, and I don't need reassurances that I AM. Whatever else I am, I AM neurodivergent. It's that labels are so weird, and there's so much overlap between conditions, and I sometimes am not sure how to refer to myself? And at that moment I was feeling bad about my differences precisely BECAUSE they were the differences that have brought me the most grief over the course of my life. That's not an "everybody feels that way" sort of thing, that's a specific "bad things happened to me in relation to these things and I still have scars" thing.

I said then that I didn't feel relief like I felt like when I found out I had ADHD, because the scars were too deep, but now that I'm not feeling quite so raw, I admit a lot of it is in fact a relief. I wasn't a party-pooper baby, I had noise-induced meltdowns. Okay then! Let's take care of that little girl, then, not tell her to just suck it up. So on and so forth.

Last week I pulled a Temple Grandin book off the return shelf-- a relatively recent one. The Autistic Brain.  She wrote it soon after the DSM-V came out, and she expresses some reservations about the way "Autism Spectrum Disorders" is now one big category instead of having more specifics-- only because it lumps so many different issues together. In fact, she goes into a lot of the "labels vs. symptoms" issues I've gone through time and again in my writing on these topics. We need to stop thinking of "Autism" as a specific something that can be cured, and focus more on a symptom-by-symptom basis-- after all, it's not "autism" that's a problem, it's specific symptoms in specific situations. And "autism" isn't an identical condition in everyone it appears in, anyway!

Also, there was an "Autism Quotient" self-assessment in the back. "It's not an official diagnostic tool," but the average score is 16, and people who score 32 and higher tend to have been diagnosed with what was once called Aspergers. I took it and got 31. *headdesk* The story of me being right there on the edge but not exactly continues!

But again, these things were codified based primarily on male data. Female autistic experiences line up far better with mine-- though again, not exactly. BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Anyway, I found a "Females With Aspergers Syndrome Checklist" here the week I was talking about in the last post, and copied it into a Word doc so I could highlight everything that applied to me. Then the other day I started typing directly into the document, responding to each (or many) points with either specifics of how yes this is my story, or why no this isn't me at all, or why, uh, maybe something like that, or.... ANYWAY.

Basically it's just a process of stating This is Who I Am. This is Who I Am In Relation To This Particular Issue. It's a process not of trying to convince anyone that I am or am not a label, but a process of simply describing what I am and have been like, if that make sense. So I want to post it here for the record. The stuff in big old Times New Roman is what's copied directly from the above link. Things I identify with are highlighted. My notes are in a curly font that I'm not entirely sure will carry over to other people's computers, but anyhoo. Here's how I fit Samantha Craft's Females With Aspergers Syndrome Checklist:

 

Section A: Deep Thinkers

  • 1.     A deep thinker
  • 2.     A prolific writer drawn to poetry
  • 3.     *Highly intelligent
  • 4.     Sees things at multiple levels, including her own thinking processes
  • 5.     Analyzes existence, the meaning of life, and everything, continually
  • 6.     Serious and matter-of-fact in nature
  • 7.     Doesn’t take things for granted
  • 8.     Doesn’t simplify
  • 9.     Everything is complex
  • 10.                   Often gets lost in own thoughts and “checks out” (blank stare)

Well, this goes without saying. This is pretty much the story of my life. Except for poetry. I do like poetry at times, but its not MINE the way prose is.

Section B: Innocent

  • 1.     Naïve
  • 2.     Honest
  • 3.     Experiences trouble with lying
  • 4.     Finds it difficult to understand manipulation and disloyalty
  • 5.     Finds it difficult to understand vindictive behavior and retaliation
  • 6.     Easily fooled and conned
  • 7.     Feelings of confusion and being overwhelmed
  • 8.     Feelings of being misplaced and/or from another planet
  • 9.     Feelings of isolation
  • 10.                   Abused or taken advantage of as a child but didn’t think to tell anyone

As much as I hate to admit it, I do have a sort of naïve streak. A lot of these ones Ive highlightedits like I always feel ButWHY? when other people engage in such things. I dont like lying, but I cant claim that Im a fully honest personI do a lot of half-truth, just-not-saying-anything kinds of obscuring of the truth. As for being fooled or taken advantage of, I suppose I was more gullible when I was very young, but I got to be pretty skeptical pretty quickly. But as for number 8yeah, pretty much dead on.

Setion C: Escape and Friendship

  • 1.     Survives overwhelming emotions and senses by escaping in thought or action
  • 2.     Escapes regularly through fixations, obsessions, and over-interest in subjects
  • 3.     Escapes routinely through imagination, fantasy, and daydreaming
  • 4.     Escapes through mental processing –Im not sure what escapes through mental processing means if not another way to say daydreaming. Maybe its daydreaming for the more literal types, who might, like, solve complex math problems in their head to relax, like Meg Murry does or something. Me, my mental escapism is pretty well summed up with daydreaming.
  • 5.     Escapes through the rhythm of words this seems more for the poets, too. I dont really see it except if you consider music, but thats really just music, not necessarily words.
  • 6.     Philosophizes, continually Um, see the Deep Thinker section?
  • 7.     Had imaginary friends in youth   
  • 8.     Imitates people on television or in movies
  • 9.     Treated friends as “pawns” in youth, e.g., friends were “students” “consumers” “members”
  • 10.                   Makes friends with older or younger females more so than friends her age (often in young adulthood) I always made friends with people younger than me. Occasionally older people would claim me, too. But I felt more comfortable with younger ones.
  • 11.                   Imitates friends or peers in style, dress, attitude, interests, and manner (sometimes speech) Ive picked up turns of phrase from my friends, but who doesnt?
  • 12.                   Obsessively collects and organizes objects –Less collectingunless you mean hoardingand more organizing, but the organizing has never been obsessive as much as thorough and methodical.
  • 13.                   Mastered imitation –I wish. Im decent at voices, but could be so much better!
  • 14.                   Escapes by playing the same music over and over
  • 15.                   Escapes through a relationship (imagined or real)think this is a reference to my obsessing over crushes? I dont think Ive done the same with real relationships, though: those are too nervewracking.
  • 16.                   Numbers bring ease (could be numbers associated with patterns, calculations, lists, time and/or personification)unless THIS is the Meg Murry trait. I tell you, Meg was on the edge of the spectrum. Charles Wallace was quite thoroughly on the spectrum, but thats neither here nor there.
  • 17.                   Escapes through counting, categorizing, organizing, rearrangingah, this would be where my style of organizing comes in.  Not obsessive, but still soothing.
  • 18.                   Escapes into other rooms at parties
  • 19.                   Cannot relax or rest without many thoughts
  • 20.                   Everything has a purpose

Section D: Comorbid Attributes

  • 1.     OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
  • 2.     Sensory Issues (sight, sound, texture, smells, taste) (might have synesthesia) Sound sensitivity is the most pervasive. I dont have any caveats on thatif you can think of a particular sensitivity someone could have toward sound, its me. In fact I was looking at a list of visual sensory issues and I did start nodding when I got to fluorescent lights, but then I realized its the SOUND of fluorescent lights that bothers me, not the light itself. Although I am sensitive to dark. I find myself trying to turn on lights that are already on sometimes just because I need more, and I will only willingly wake up AFTER sunrise. Okay, and anyway, texture is not as badI dont have to cut the tags out of my clothes, and I LOVE jeansbut I have some weird quirks that only late in life have I realized are sensory-related. Like I could never stand face paint, and I still dont wear makeup. Same with jewelry. It doesnt matter what its made of, it still tickles in a way I dont like. I used to always need to button button-down shirts all the way up, but Ive gotten over that in recent years, as well as V-neck shirtsI think that must have been the same sensory thing, because they both involve exposure of the front of the neck and I got over both pretty much at the same time (during breastfeeding, when I was pretty much running around topless, so I guess its a matter of extremes). Yeah, some fabrics I just dont like, either. Lace is pretty but it doesnt feel good. And lenticular paper. Is not clothing, but I am SO repulsed by touching it, its weird.  I dont have any out of the ordinary issues with smell or taste, much to my familys despairor is my FAMILYS many issues with taste to MY despair? The latter.
  • 3.     Generalized Anxiety aside from side effects from stimulants, Im not really prone to clinical anxiety, but I was scared of everything as a child, and I always have a nagging What am I forgetting NOW in the back of my head. The former seems autism-related, but the latter more ADHD. But in general demeanor, I tend to have an annoying LACK of anxiety to other people who feel I should be CARING more than I seem to be.
  • 4.     Sense of pending danger or doom
  • 5.     Feelings of polar extremes (depressed/over-joyed; inconsiderate/over-sensitive)
  • 6.     Poor muscle tone, double-jointed, and/or lack in coordination (may have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and/or Hypotonia and/or POTS syndrome) –uh, I AM a complete klutz, but I dont think its a quantifiable physical condition. No muscle tone or joint excuses.
  • 7.     Eating disorders, food obsessions, and/or worry about what is eaten—I do stress eat, but apparently not to the extent that psychologists consider a disorder
  • 8.     Irritable bowel and/or intestinal issuesa more recent development, so probably more related to middle age than autistic tendencies
  • 9.     Chronic fatigue and/or immune challenges uh, maybe with the chronic fatigue? Im always tired, but its not, like, OFFICIAL Chronic Fatigue.
  • 10.                   Misdiagnosed or diagnosed with a mental illnessI most definitely do have chronic depression. Of course, its based in my deep-seeded self-esteem issues from always feeling different and never understanding why.
  • 11.                   Experiences multiple physical symptoms, perhaps labeled “hypochondriac” –This is tricky, because I FEEL like Im being a hypochondriac a lot. What does THAT mean?
  • 12.                   Questions place in the world again, see Deep Thinker
  • 13.                   Often drops small objects straightforward non-quantifiable-conditional klutz
  • 14.                   Wonders who she is and what is expected of her
  • 15.                   Searches for right and wrong for both, yeah, again, Deep Thinker
  • 16.                   Since puberty has had bouts of depression (may have PMDD)
  • 17.                   Flicks/rubs fingernails, picks scalp/skin, flaps hands, rubs hands together, tucks hands under or between legs, keeps closed fists, paces in circles, and/or clears throat often I dont stim or have any other obvious tics, but I AM a habitual picker. Who often sits on her hands.

Section E: Social Interaction

  • 1.     Friends have ended friendship suddenly (without female with AS understanding why) and/or difficult time making friends I had friends who were fickle about our friendship in elementary school, but from high school on my friends have been relatively loyal. I do have trouble opening up to making new friends, though. Its always been a sensitive issue for me.
  • 2.     Tendency to overshare –Or, the exact opposite. Unless you mean in blog posts.
  • 3.     Spills intimate details to strangers as I said. On the internet, who needs privacy?
  • 4.     Raised hand too much in class or didn’t participate in class –I was absolutely a Hermione in this case.
  • 5.      Little impulse control with speaking when younger --NOT
  • 6.     Monopolizes conversation at times --NOT
  • 7.     Brings subject back to self –I can kind of see this. I have a hard time actually HAVING a conversation if I dont have a heres what *I* know about that foothold to stand on
  • 8.     Comes across at times as narcissistic and controlling (is not narcissistic)
  • 9.     Shares in order to reach out see thats what I mean, I talk about myself, but its in an effort to be like Does anybody else feel this way, too?
  • 10.                   Often sounds eager and over-zealous or apathetic and disinterested both. Sometimes Im afraid Im going to be the first, so I counterbalance it with the latter. When I write, though, I tend toward the first part. When I talk, the latter.
  • 11.                   Holds a lot of thoughts, ideas, and feelings inside only comes out in writing. And even then, theres still a lot inside that just doesnt seem worth putting into words.
  • 12.                   Feels as if she is attempting to communicate “correctly”
  • 13.                   Obsesses about the potentiality of a relationship with someone, particularly a love interest or feasible new friendship always. At least when I was younger. Im kind of avoiding new relationships (friendships) these days.
  • 14.                   Confused by the rules of accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, body stance, and posture in conversation I dont know if this is it? I dont think much about the rules, its just whats comfortable to me. And not much is comfortable to me.
  • 15.                   Conversation are often exhausting
  • 16.                   Questions the actions and behaviors of self and others, continually
  • 17.                   Feels as if missing a conversation “gene” or thought-filter
  • 18.                   Trained self in social interactions through readings and studying of other people I know my addiction to fiction pretty much thoroughly shapes my understanding of social interactions. Which, you know: small talk isnt usually bothered with in fiction, because it doesnt forward the plot. Which might be part of why I always thought being in an adventure together is a sure-fire way to make friends. It makes people REALLY talk, instead of noise-talk.
  • 19.                   Visualizes and practices how she will act around others
  • 20.                   Practices/rehearses in mind what she will say to another before entering the room
  • 21.                   Difficulty filtering out background noise when talking to othersfor someone with such a sensitivity to sound, I dont really have any problem with background noise. I mean, in listening to people. Some background noises drive me crazy emotionally, but they dont make listening difficult.
  • 22.                   Has a continuous dialogue in mind that tells her what to say and how to act when in a social situationhas a continuous dialogue in mind period. My brain is always rehearsing thoughts and words, spinning a narrative out of whatever.
  • 23.                   Sense of humor sometimes seems quirky, odd, inappropriate, or different from others
  • 24.                   As a child it was hard to know when it was her turn to talkas a CHILD? Its funny this is often used to describe interrupting, but it also describes NOT talking because you cant figure out when its okay for you to speak. And then the conversation changes and what you had to say doesnt relate anymore, anyway. Yes, this is an ongoing thing for me.
  • 25.                   Finds norms of conversation confusing
  • 26.                   Finds unwritten and unspoken rules difficult to grasp, remember, and apply

Section F: Finds Refuge when Alone

  • 1.     Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, answer calls, or leave the house but at the same time will often harbor guilt for “hibernating” and not doing “what everyone else is doing
  • 2.     One visitor at the home may be perceived as a threat (this can even be a familiar family member)
  • 3.     Knowing logically a house visitor is not a threat, doesn’t relieve the anxiety see, I never feel threatened by visitors, usually Im happy about them, but I get anxious about what I should be doing. Do I need to try to engage them in conversation CONSTANTLY? Is it okay for me to go read or check twitter while theyre here, even if theyre occupied with the kids or something? Im awkward about it.
  • 4.     Feelings of dread about upcoming events and appointments on the calendar
  • 5.     Knowing she has to leave the house causes anxiety from the moment she wakes up
  • 6.     All the steps involved in leaving the house are overwhelming and exhausting to think aboutno. But its amazing how consistently I cant find my keys, even when I make an effort to keep them in one placethats the ADHD.
  • 7.     She prepares herself mentally for outings, excursions, meetings, and appointments, often days before a scheduled event
  • 8.     OCD tendencies when it comes to concepts of time, being on time, tracking time, recording time, and managing time (could be carried over to money, as well) HAHAHAHAHAH no. How about No concept of time whatsoever? This is the ADHD again.
  • 9.     Questions next steps and movements, continually
  • 10.                   Sometimes feels as if she is on stage being watched and/or a sense of always having to act out the “right” steps, even when she is home alone OMG OTHER PEOPLE DO THIS. I often have internal conversations with imaginary observers, explaining why Im doing what Im doing. Often I go off on imaginary tangents about the music Im listening to, but thats beside the point.
  • 11.                   Telling self the “right” words and/or positive self-talk (CBT) doesn’t typically alleviate anxiety. CBT may cause increased feelings of inadequacy. Ive gotten pretty good at identifying irrational thoughts and explaining why theyre such, but, yeah, doesnt really change the situation.
  • 12.                   Knowing she is staying home all day brings great peace of mind
  • 13.                   Requires a large amount of down time or alone time
  • 14.                   Feels guilty after spending a lot of time on a special interest
  • 15.                   Uncomfortable in public locker rooms, bathrooms, and/or dressing rooms yo, I was a band and musical theater kid. No shame.
  • 16.                   Dislikes being in a crowded mall, crowded gym, and/or crowded theater how about in a crowd period? Its not so bad if I can stay in one place doing my own thingif the place doesnt have other unpleasantnesses, like smoke or noise or air conditioning ventsI mean, nothing wrong with sitting in ones seat at a crowded theater-- but navigating the crowd is the hard part.

Section G: Sensitive

1.     Sensitive to sounds, textures, temperature, and/or smells when trying to sleep
2.     Adjusts bedclothes, bedding, and/or environment in an attempt to find comfort
3.     Dreams are anxiety-ridden, vivid, complex, and/or precognitive in nature
4.     Highly intuitive to others’ feelings
5.     Highly empathetic, sometimes to the point of confusion
6.     Takes criticism to heart
7.     Longs to be seen, heard, and understood
8.     Questions if she is a “normal” person
9.     Highly susceptible to outsiders’ viewpoints and opinions
10.                   At times adapts her view of life or actions based on others’ opinions or words
11.                   Recognizes own limitations in many areas daily, if not hourly
12.                   Becomes hurt when others question or doubt her work
13.                   Views many things as an extension of self
14.                   Fears others opinions, criticism, and judgment
15.                   Dislikes words and events that hurt animals and people
16.                   Collects or rescues animals (often in childhood)
17.                   Huge compassion for suffering (sometimes for inanimate objects/personification)
18.                   Sensitive to substances (environmental toxins, foods, alcohol, medication, hormones, etc.)
19.                   Tries to help, offers unsolicited advice, or formalizes plans of action
20.                   Questions life purpose and how to be a “better” person
21.                   Seeks to understand abilities, skills, and/or gifts

--this whole section just screams out me, doesnt it. ME. THOROUGHLY ME. The exceptions? Ive never really been an animal personWHICH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD doesnt mean I DISLIKE animals or arent sensitive to their feelings, I just dont have any undue ATTRACTION to them, either. And I dont know if the environment is just SO FULL of contaminants that subtle changes dont make much of a difference or what. There are some medications that dont seem to do anything AT ALL, though otherslike stimulants give me anxiety, and alcohol puts me to sleep. I dont know. And 19 just seems way too extroverted to me.

Section H: Sense of Self

  • 1.     Feels trapped between wanting to be herself and wanting to fit in
  • 2.     Imitates others without realizing it
  • 3.     Suppresses true wishes (often in young adulthood)
  • 4.     Exhibits codependent behaviors (often in young adulthood)
  • 5.     Adapts self in order to avoid ridiculeI mean, this is the crux of number 1, too. I refused to not be me. But at the same time I felt very conscious of how me wasnt normal. So I guess I did adapt myself in the sense that I withdrew a lot. Instead of speaking up and getting laughed at, I just stopped trying.
  • 6.     Rejects social norms and/or questions social normsand I felt like such a rebel
  • 7.     Feelings of extreme isolation
  • 8.     Feeling good about self takes a lot of effort and work
  • 9.     Switches preferences based on environment and other people
  • 10.                   Switches behavior based on environment and other people
  • 11.                   Didn’t care about her hygiene, clothes, and appearance before teenage years and/or before someone else pointed these out to herit is nice to know that this is actually linked to my autistic tendencies, somehow. I dont know why thats a relief and other things arent, but, who knows.
  • 12.                   “Freaks out” but doesn’t know why until laterno, if I freak out, Im pretty sure why.
  • 13.                   Young sounding voice this is a thing? I mean its not just me? Cool!
  • 14.                   Trouble recognizing what she looks like and/or has occurrences of slight prosopagnosia (difficulty recognizing or remembering faces) I often have trouble linking NAMES and faces, but I can usually tell a familiar face.
  • 15.                   Feels significantly younger on the inside than on the outside (perpetually twelve) I love that twelve is the age mentioned here, because thats it. TWELVE. I mean, obviously Im an adult, I know Im not twelve, but. I was going to write about turning 40, because I still dont FEEL middle aged. I know I AM, and my body sure acts it, but its like, Oh yeah, 40, whatever, well, when I grow UP Ill…”

Section I: Confusion

  • 1.     Had a hard time learning that others are not always honest
  • 2.     Feelings seem confusing, illogical, and unpredictable (self’s and others’) I like to think I have a pretty good understanding of how feelings work, actually.
  • 3.     Confuses appointment times, numbers, and/or dates yeah, gotta love those executive function disorders. This is ADHD, too. WHICH DO YOU HAVE? Both, already, just both. It doesnt matter what the label is!
  • 4.     Expects that by acting a certain way certain results can be achieved, but realizes in dealing with emotions, those results don’t always manifest I dont really understand this one, so Im going with no.
  • 5.     Spoke frankly and literally in youth frankly, yes, literally, not so much.
  • 6.     Jokes go over the head I mean not CONSISTENTLY, but I wrote a whole article about this once.
  • 7.     Confused when others ostracize, shun, belittle, trick, and betrayagain, Im just like, WHY? Why not be nice? Isnt that better for everybody?
  • 8.     Trouble identifying feelings unless they are extreme I know I just said I like to think I understand feelings pretty well, and I do, but it IS hard to determine how I feel about something if the feeling isnt SCREAMING at me.
  • 9.     Trouble with emotions of hate and dislike
  • 10.                   Feels sorry for someone who has persecuted or hurt her
  • 11.                   Personal feelings of anger, outrage, deep love, fear, giddiness, and anticipation seem to be easier to identify than emotions of joy, satisfaction, calmness, and serenity nah, Id say the opposite, actually. Pairs up with 9 and 10. And 7. Negativity in general, Im uncomfortable with, and so theyre HARDER to admit to by identifying.
  • 12.                   Difficulty recognizing how extreme emotions (outrage, deep love) will affect her and challenges transferring what has been learned about emotions from one situation to the nextI dont understand this one either. I do have trouble learning from mistakes, if thats related.
  • 13.                   Situations and conversations sometimes perceived as black or white
  • 14.                   The middle spectrum of outcomes, events, and emotions is sometimes overlooked or misunderstood (all or nothing mentality) nah, Im all about shades of gray, 13 and 14. This one is clearly  Sammy, though.
  • 15.                   A small fight might signal the end of a relationship or collapse of world
  • 16.                   A small compliment might boost her into a state of blissI wish! To balance out 15! But thats normal, it always seems like, for anybody, one bad review will cancel out 20 good ones, and so forth.

Section J: Words, Numbers, and Patterns

  • 1.     Likes to know word origins and/or origin of historical facts/root cause and foundation like, who doesnt? (Kidding. I know theres lots of boring people in the world).
  • 2.     Confused when there is more than one meaning (or spelling) to a word uh no, thats what makes it fun.
  • 3.     High interest in songs and song lyrics
  • 4.     Notices patterns frequently
  • 5.     Remembers things in visual pictures
  • 6.     Remembers exact details about someone’s life I mean, it depends on the person, and the details. How many details are we talking about, anyway?
  • 7.     Has a remarkable memory for certain details
  • 8.     Writes or creates to relieve anxietyHEY LOOK, ITS ME AGAIN
  • 9.      Has certain “feelings” or emotions towards words and/or numbers
  • 10.                   Words and/or numbers bring a sense of comfort and peace, akin to a friendship
  • (Optional) Executive Functioning & Motor Skills  This area isn’t always as evident as other areas
  • 1.     Simple tasks can cause extreme hardship
  • 2.     Learning to drive a car or rounding the corner in a hallway can be troublesome Id say no, but it did take me three tries to pass my drivers test, and, um, yes, I do walk into walls frequently.
  • 3.     New places offer their own set of challengeswhat does this mean?
  • 4.     Anything that requires a reasonable amount of steps, dexterity, or know-how can rouse a sense of panicnot panic. Lack of ability, definitely. But little anxiety attached.
  • 5.     The thought of repairing, fixing, or locating something can cause anxiety no I like repairing things, I dont know what youre talking about.
  • 6.     Mundane tasks are avoided
  • 7.     Cleaning self and home may seem insurmountable
  • 8.     Many questions come to mind when setting about to do a task um, yes?
  • 9.     Might leave the house with mismatched socks, shirt buttoned incorrectly, and/or have dyslexia and/or dysgraphia the latter is J and M, not me, but I am scatterbrained and may miss things like the first part.
  • 10.                   A trip to the grocery store can be overwhelming When Im in a really crowded grocery store, I notice I shrink into myself. I focus on getting what I need to get and try to block everything else around me out. So, maybe it is overwhelming, but Ive learned to deal with it?
  • 11.                   Trouble copying dance steps, aerobic moves, or direction in a sports gym class
  • 12.                   Has a hard time finding certain objects in the house but remembers with exact clarity where other objects are;/ not being able to locate something or thinking about locating something can cause feelings of intense anxiety (object permanence challenges) (even with something as simple as opening an envelope) again with the anxiety, list maker! I feel you may be conflating your anxiety problems with your autistic tendencies. But the first part? Clearly me. Thats an ADHD thing, too. The overlap between ADHD and autism could be another conflationor it could just be Dont Try So Hard to Label Things -itis.

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