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Okay, so in at least three completely separate places in the past day I have seen variations of a concept that has Always Bugged Me to No End voiced-- that motherhood, particularly stay-at-home motherhood but these comments even seemed to be implying motherhood in general, is somehow Anti-Feminist. That becoming a mother is GIVING UP POWER in a feminist sense, is somehow weak or the product of male dominated society. OH FOR GOSH SAKES, what kind of mothers did these people HAVE growing up?
The whole idea of motherhood being some kind of old-fashioned Way of Keeping Women Down has made absolutely no sense to me since I was even a little kid who knew nothing of feminism. Where did this concept of The Man Is the Head of The Household come from? Whose household IS this? Not MINE. My mother has been a stay-at-home mom as long as I've known her, and it was always ABSOLUTELY CLEAR to me that she ruled the house. SHE made the rules, SHE made the decisions, SHE was the one you did not want to cross. DAD was the one you went to if you wanted something you knew Mom would say No to and you thought you could get away with doing it before Mom found out and Vetoed it. How could it be any other way, anyway? After all, Mom was the one who was HOME the whole time to DO those things. And people, my mom is not some bossy dragon-lady by any stretch of the imagination-- she's a quiet, unassuming woman who avoids arguments and never says a cruel word of anyone. But I NEVER questioned her authority.
And look, maybe my dad is ALSO a sweet-tempered, good-natured gentleman, but my HUSBAND can hardly be described that way -- maybe if you stretch it; and if we're out in public together, because of our comparative natures, HE'S the one doing all the talking for the most part, so perhaps the outside observer might THINK he's head of the household in that old fashion, but Not On Your Life at home. Don't you know it, I'm the mommy and I'm FRIGGIN' POWERFUL. I say what we eat, I say what we buy, I say where we're going if we've got family plans in the making. I mean, everyone else gets a SAY in the matter, but I get the last word on what happens in my house, because THAT'S WHAT MOMMYS DO. THEY RULE THE HOUSE. Even shy quiet mommies. Because "shy" "quiet" and/or "mommy" do NOT mean "weak" or "powerless." In fact, how much more powerful can you GET than being the Absolute Most Important Person in the life of another human being? How much more powerful can you get than to have SOMEONE'S LIFE IN YOUR HANDS EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY?
Strength is not measured in prestige or paychecks! Strength is standing up for what you believe, for yourself, for your loved ones. It has nothing to do with WHAT you are doing with your life. Just because a woman chooses a vocation that is traditionally Women's Work does not mean she is Under the Thumb of Some Man. She is only Under the Thumb of Some Man if Some Man is forcing or manipulating her into being Something She's Not. That means that if a woman decides she does not want to have children, nobody should force her to. But that DOESN'T mean that if a woman DOES decide to have children, she is somehow Giving Up Her Rights and Freedoms. Well, she IS giving up her freedom, but in an entirely different sense ;). And one kind of woman is in no way inherently stronger than the other kind-- it just means that one kind is more suited to motherhood than the other kind.
And you can be strong in more obvious ways than me and still be suited to motherhood. One of the strongest, toughest, no-BS women I have EVER known was my Aunt Gale. She was as un-stereotypical a housewife as you can possibly imagine. Yet she, too, WAS a stay-at-home-mom. If anyone had ever suggested to her that she had Given In to a Male-Enforced Lifestyle and Had Handed Away Her Power, she would have LAUGHED IN THEIR FACE. In the end the Cancer was the only thing she lacked the power to beat, but that's an enemy even your well-paid female CEOs haven't necessarily got the power to beat either. In fact, I bet more than a few of them have been a lot LESS powerful in battling that enemy in their own lives. The prestige of their careers means NOTHING in the face of death, because of course "CAREER" DOES NOT EQUAL "STRENGTH"!
I mentioned wondering what kind of Mother role-models the people making these assertions had growing up. I guess I also have to wonder what kind of MALE role-models they had growing up. Either way I feel sorry for them, very sorry for them, but that does not make what they say right for the entire rest of the world. Mothers are not all alike any more than non-mothers are all alike, and to make a sweeping generalization about the relative Strength of All Mothers as a group is every bit as ridiculous as saying all women should BE Mothers. Being a Mother does not mean you've become a Tool of the Patriarchy! It does not mean that you gamely go along with whatever your husband says on matters-- God Forbid it means you should allow him to VOTE for you for one thing! It does not mean you are suddenly this docile, gentle creature if you never were before. Don't get me wrong, being a Mother TOTALLY transforms and takes over your life, but it never turns you into something you are not, and it absolutely CERTAINLY does not make you weak, powerless, or boring. If you truly believe in Women's Rights, you shouldn't throw out a whole aspect of womanhood just because women have been doing it for millennia. Just because it was around back in the day of the Dominant Male does not mean it is a TOOL of the Dominant Male. Open up you mind and see all the amazingly powerful women who have THEMSELVES chosen motherhood.
The whole idea of motherhood being some kind of old-fashioned Way of Keeping Women Down has made absolutely no sense to me since I was even a little kid who knew nothing of feminism. Where did this concept of The Man Is the Head of The Household come from? Whose household IS this? Not MINE. My mother has been a stay-at-home mom as long as I've known her, and it was always ABSOLUTELY CLEAR to me that she ruled the house. SHE made the rules, SHE made the decisions, SHE was the one you did not want to cross. DAD was the one you went to if you wanted something you knew Mom would say No to and you thought you could get away with doing it before Mom found out and Vetoed it. How could it be any other way, anyway? After all, Mom was the one who was HOME the whole time to DO those things. And people, my mom is not some bossy dragon-lady by any stretch of the imagination-- she's a quiet, unassuming woman who avoids arguments and never says a cruel word of anyone. But I NEVER questioned her authority.
And look, maybe my dad is ALSO a sweet-tempered, good-natured gentleman, but my HUSBAND can hardly be described that way -- maybe if you stretch it; and if we're out in public together, because of our comparative natures, HE'S the one doing all the talking for the most part, so perhaps the outside observer might THINK he's head of the household in that old fashion, but Not On Your Life at home. Don't you know it, I'm the mommy and I'm FRIGGIN' POWERFUL. I say what we eat, I say what we buy, I say where we're going if we've got family plans in the making. I mean, everyone else gets a SAY in the matter, but I get the last word on what happens in my house, because THAT'S WHAT MOMMYS DO. THEY RULE THE HOUSE. Even shy quiet mommies. Because "shy" "quiet" and/or "mommy" do NOT mean "weak" or "powerless." In fact, how much more powerful can you GET than being the Absolute Most Important Person in the life of another human being? How much more powerful can you get than to have SOMEONE'S LIFE IN YOUR HANDS EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY?
Strength is not measured in prestige or paychecks! Strength is standing up for what you believe, for yourself, for your loved ones. It has nothing to do with WHAT you are doing with your life. Just because a woman chooses a vocation that is traditionally Women's Work does not mean she is Under the Thumb of Some Man. She is only Under the Thumb of Some Man if Some Man is forcing or manipulating her into being Something She's Not. That means that if a woman decides she does not want to have children, nobody should force her to. But that DOESN'T mean that if a woman DOES decide to have children, she is somehow Giving Up Her Rights and Freedoms. Well, she IS giving up her freedom, but in an entirely different sense ;). And one kind of woman is in no way inherently stronger than the other kind-- it just means that one kind is more suited to motherhood than the other kind.
And you can be strong in more obvious ways than me and still be suited to motherhood. One of the strongest, toughest, no-BS women I have EVER known was my Aunt Gale. She was as un-stereotypical a housewife as you can possibly imagine. Yet she, too, WAS a stay-at-home-mom. If anyone had ever suggested to her that she had Given In to a Male-Enforced Lifestyle and Had Handed Away Her Power, she would have LAUGHED IN THEIR FACE. In the end the Cancer was the only thing she lacked the power to beat, but that's an enemy even your well-paid female CEOs haven't necessarily got the power to beat either. In fact, I bet more than a few of them have been a lot LESS powerful in battling that enemy in their own lives. The prestige of their careers means NOTHING in the face of death, because of course "CAREER" DOES NOT EQUAL "STRENGTH"!
I mentioned wondering what kind of Mother role-models the people making these assertions had growing up. I guess I also have to wonder what kind of MALE role-models they had growing up. Either way I feel sorry for them, very sorry for them, but that does not make what they say right for the entire rest of the world. Mothers are not all alike any more than non-mothers are all alike, and to make a sweeping generalization about the relative Strength of All Mothers as a group is every bit as ridiculous as saying all women should BE Mothers. Being a Mother does not mean you've become a Tool of the Patriarchy! It does not mean that you gamely go along with whatever your husband says on matters-- God Forbid it means you should allow him to VOTE for you for one thing! It does not mean you are suddenly this docile, gentle creature if you never were before. Don't get me wrong, being a Mother TOTALLY transforms and takes over your life, but it never turns you into something you are not, and it absolutely CERTAINLY does not make you weak, powerless, or boring. If you truly believe in Women's Rights, you shouldn't throw out a whole aspect of womanhood just because women have been doing it for millennia. Just because it was around back in the day of the Dominant Male does not mean it is a TOOL of the Dominant Male. Open up you mind and see all the amazingly powerful women who have THEMSELVES chosen motherhood.
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no subject
Date: 2009-01-22 02:28 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-01-22 06:39 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-01-22 02:29 am (UTC)From:I agree with most of what you said.
Although motherhood HAS made me boring.
I think a lot of the "Stay at Home Moms are Weak" talk comes from working moms full of working-mom guilt.
and I ASPIRE to be a stay at home mom. That, however, will require one of two things to happen...this pregnancy to be twins, or my husband to make a lot more money.
Actually, if it were twins, we'd probably qualify for childcare aid.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-22 06:54 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-01-22 02:35 am (UTC)From:ROCK on.
Date: 2009-01-22 08:30 am (UTC)From: (Anonymous)But as far as the rest of what you wrote in THIS post goes, couldn't agree more.
Anonymous Stalker
Re: ROCK on.
Date: 2009-01-22 06:59 pm (UTC)From:I think I'm pretty much only boring if you meet me in person for the first time because then I just sit there and not do anything except smile politely. And, if it's a social occasion where this is possible, eat.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-22 02:17 pm (UTC)From:I wouldn't let it get to you. People that have that concept are really the ones with the closed minds.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-22 07:01 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-01-22 06:53 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-01-22 07:07 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-01-22 11:52 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-01-22 10:43 pm (UTC)From:But yes, I think that's where the sentiment comes from. I think too, women are very much pressured to "do itall", probably because if they don't they feel like they're giving up their hard-earned right to work and be independent. The problem of course is that by working and raising kids you become so overwhelmed and tired that you want to die. So women are realizing that they got what they wished for, and perhaps they should have been careful.
I see no solution except do what you need to do. I, for example, don't think I cuold handle working and having kids. I choose career over kids though. Well..or I should say, I choose a career where I essentially raise other people's kids. LOL.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-23 12:56 am (UTC)From:Hah hah, totally. this reminds me that I heard some weird news item about music teachers today that reminded me of you, but now I forget what it was.
I guess I see the fear of "slipping backward," but my annoyance was not so much that that fear exists as much as the use of the words "strong" and "powerful" in expressing it. Equating the woman-doing-traditionally-manly-things with "strong and powerful" and the woman-doing-traditionally-womanly-things with "weak and powerless" reinforces stereotypes that I don't even see existing in real life, is my beef.