I think you're allowed to be as kind as you want to whoever you want; you just can't always expect the same of everyone around you :) (FWIW, I have a bad reaction to people being yell-y or visibly angry IRL, so I definitely relate to being uncomfortable in those situations and shutting down.)
It's hard to say on the "crying wolf." Obviously, you didn't link up the original convo, so I can't say with any certainty. Additionally, I don't think suggesting/stating someone is engaging in tone policing is like a nuclear option that should only be reserved for egregious behavior. As for the tone of those calling out tone policing--yes, ideally, they'd assume the best of everyone and want to point it out in a way that couldn't be characterized as yelling. But, even there, I'm sympathetic. Those who have blogs about Isms (and their communities) are often expected to provide Ally 101 again and again to those who comment on their blogs, to explain Ism 101 again and again and answer the same questions again and again. It wears you out and puts the onus on the person bringing the issue to light to do a lot of community education. Again, all this might not be relevant to the experience you're describing, but I see it a lot on Twitter where feminists are supposed to be always available to explain basic tenets of feminism, to define terms repeatedly and, when they're not available or willing to do so, treated as though they're hurting their cause. See, again, allies can and should be expected to do some work themselves, not just show up.
In general, when I'm representing the privileged POV in a space and my behavior or words are called into question, I expect to feel uncomfortable about that and have strategies to deal with that discomfort *separately* from the issue at hand. Because my discomfort isn't the issue and isn't the problem of that community/group/individual.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chiming
no subject
Date: 2014-02-09 11:09 pm (UTC)From:It's hard to say on the "crying wolf." Obviously, you didn't link up the original convo, so I can't say with any certainty. Additionally, I don't think suggesting/stating someone is engaging in tone policing is like a nuclear option that should only be reserved for egregious behavior. As for the tone of those calling out tone policing--yes, ideally, they'd assume the best of everyone and want to point it out in a way that couldn't be characterized as yelling. But, even there, I'm sympathetic. Those who have blogs about Isms (and their communities) are often expected to provide Ally 101 again and again to those who comment on their blogs, to explain Ism 101 again and again and answer the same questions again and again. It wears you out and puts the onus on the person bringing the issue to light to do a lot of community education. Again, all this might not be relevant to the experience you're describing, but I see it a lot on Twitter where feminists are supposed to be always available to explain basic tenets of feminism, to define terms repeatedly and, when they're not available or willing to do so, treated as though they're hurting their cause. See, again, allies can and should be expected to do some work themselves, not just show up.
In general, when I'm representing the privileged POV in a space and my behavior or words are called into question, I expect to feel uncomfortable about that and have strategies to deal with that discomfort *separately* from the issue at hand. Because my discomfort isn't the issue and isn't the problem of that community/group/individual.