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Well, everyone, suffice it to say I have been more than a little off this week. Last Friday I conked my head on a bookshelf at the library-- I'm not even going to attempt to describe here HOW I managed to conk my head as hard as I did, because I have a concussion and that story is way too complicated for my current executive functions to handle. So anyway, I have a concussion now? And the good news is, they ran all sorts of scans and stuff, and I haven't got anything scary like a broken skull or internal bleeding. I apparently don't even have any noticeable neurological damage-- my wackiness is no more than the usual ADHD (I joke, above-- it's possible my executive functions have been running slightly BETTER than usual, but for lack of proverbial Spoons). What I do have has been, basically, a weeklong migraine. It's also, naturally, That Time of the Month. So is my mood a little unstable? Yes, yes it is.
But that just means I'm thinking of you. Yes, probably you, specifically. I'm not sure, since this is the internet and I'm never sure who's reading anything here. But probably, I'm thinking of you, and how much I MISS YOU.
Social media is good at keeping you vaguely in touch with people. But, first of all, THIS week keeping UP with social media in the first place isn't exactly regular since scrolling through it involves bright images moving past my eyes really fast which just is NOT COMFORTABLE when you have basically a weeklong migraine. But even without the concussion, social media depends on other people actually using it, and them having the Spoons themselves to interact with you; and most of my real life friends keep themselves to Facebook, and Facebook? With its wacked out algorithms and the fact that you can no longer read curated lists in chronological order? Half the time you don't KNOW what your friends are posting about, and if they've even SEEN what YOU'VE been posting.
But it's also hard to have a DEEP conversation on social media. To really get into it. Now, the weird part is I'm terrible at having actual out loud conversations to begin with, so I wouldn't be entirely sure what I'm talking about right now, except that it DID hit me, yesterday, just what it is I'm feeling. I'm lonely for writing companions.
It was posting a fanfic that triggered it. First of all, the simplest factor was that the fic itself was about being a high schooler platonically in love with your best friend but the sexual attraction not matching up, WHICH, although the situation and story itself is quite different, did REMIND me of how I've similarly always been platonically in love with my high school best friend, too, and THAT reminded me of us IN high school, exchanging our writing and talking about creativity and building off of each other's weird ideas, so I got all aw, I miss you, Ang.
The ironic factor is the weird thought progression I got into while posting it. This mean little negative voice in my head was like, "Why are you bothering to share this on social media? Nobody cares. Nobody's even going to look because it's Legion stuff again and nobody cared about that weird show but you, and even IN the itty-bitty Legion FX fandom, nobody cares, because they're all way more interested in the actual supposed MAIN characters of the show and you're the only one going on about Those Old Founders of Summerland and ignoring the main characters; people are just going to be ANNOYED by you posting this" (which, irony number one, I'm not even sure anybody on social media SAW it, social media being like it is)-- and then the mean negative voice softened into somebody a little more hopeful and said (and this is where the REALLY ironic part comes in), "What you really need to do is write ORIGINAL fiction again. Then people will read it."
Which, what? I mean the benefit of fanfiction is that it comes with a built-in audience. You post it on AO3 and tag it with the fandom and the people who want to read about that fandom will COME TO IT. You've got to work a lot harder to get people to read your original fiction. So what was I talking about?
But, being that I already was thinking of Angie, I already had the answer. I was thinking about sharing writing directly with other writer friends, encouraging each other and exchanging ideas. What I wanted was a critique group.
Ah, but critique groups are for SERIOUS writers, like I USED to be over a decade ago. People trying to get Published. YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO PUBLISH. Ah, but I'd like to! Wouldn't it be fun to work seriously again, with Goals?
Well, what are you going to write about?
*crickets*
Honestly. At nighttime, when I dream, my brain makes up countless really creative stories (and, yeah, a lot of the truly boring same one about being in school and having no idea what your schedule is, THAT one is, I don't know, I don't want to read that one, either). But in the light of day when I try to think of something to write about, That Voice-- it's probably the same Voice, too!-- just keeps butting in with, "No one cares. No one needs your stories. You have nothing to say."
I've even had the same problem trying to get back in the habit of writing GeekMom articles. I used to come up with a topic every week whether the Muse was biting or not (does that metaphor even make sense? I don't know, it just came out of my head that way. I have a concussion, remember? Yes, I'm totally using that as an excuse). Now That Voice is all, "Why start now? What have YOU got to say? You don't have anything to say." Frustratingly enough, I wrote this Facebook post the other week trying to explain why Dr. Seuss is not "Cancelled," and it kind of went viral, but it only occurred to me after it was no longer the Topic du Jour that I really should have written it as a GeekMom article. UGH, brain. I swear it's just trying to self-sabotage me.
So I guess this other weird voice in my brain is convinced that IF I had something to say, THEN I could have the sort of friendship I'm craving, the kind where we inspire each other's creativity. And conversely, if I DON'T say something unique and necessary, then I DON'T deserve such friendship.
I still get EnneaType Daily Reminder/Inspiration/Whatever emails, though I haven't given my Nineness as much thought ever since I found out Nineness and Inattentive Type ADHD were basically the same thing. But the other day it reminded me of a Nine thing that isn't so much an ADHD thing, but really describes what my brain is doing. Nines are so afraid of being cut off from people that they ironically cut THEMSELVES off from people first, before other people can do it. Oh. You ever THINK that you're lonely BECAUSE you don't put yourself out there? I mean, whodathunk? If you want people to write you letters you've got to write THEM letters? What's UP with that?
So I guess this has been an attempt to put myself out there. Hi. I'm lonely. Will you be my friend? I have no idea what I'm doing and will probably do a crappy job at it, but I'm here, lost and just calling "Hi!" to the universe.
But that just means I'm thinking of you. Yes, probably you, specifically. I'm not sure, since this is the internet and I'm never sure who's reading anything here. But probably, I'm thinking of you, and how much I MISS YOU.
Social media is good at keeping you vaguely in touch with people. But, first of all, THIS week keeping UP with social media in the first place isn't exactly regular since scrolling through it involves bright images moving past my eyes really fast which just is NOT COMFORTABLE when you have basically a weeklong migraine. But even without the concussion, social media depends on other people actually using it, and them having the Spoons themselves to interact with you; and most of my real life friends keep themselves to Facebook, and Facebook? With its wacked out algorithms and the fact that you can no longer read curated lists in chronological order? Half the time you don't KNOW what your friends are posting about, and if they've even SEEN what YOU'VE been posting.
But it's also hard to have a DEEP conversation on social media. To really get into it. Now, the weird part is I'm terrible at having actual out loud conversations to begin with, so I wouldn't be entirely sure what I'm talking about right now, except that it DID hit me, yesterday, just what it is I'm feeling. I'm lonely for writing companions.
It was posting a fanfic that triggered it. First of all, the simplest factor was that the fic itself was about being a high schooler platonically in love with your best friend but the sexual attraction not matching up, WHICH, although the situation and story itself is quite different, did REMIND me of how I've similarly always been platonically in love with my high school best friend, too, and THAT reminded me of us IN high school, exchanging our writing and talking about creativity and building off of each other's weird ideas, so I got all aw, I miss you, Ang.
The ironic factor is the weird thought progression I got into while posting it. This mean little negative voice in my head was like, "Why are you bothering to share this on social media? Nobody cares. Nobody's even going to look because it's Legion stuff again and nobody cared about that weird show but you, and even IN the itty-bitty Legion FX fandom, nobody cares, because they're all way more interested in the actual supposed MAIN characters of the show and you're the only one going on about Those Old Founders of Summerland and ignoring the main characters; people are just going to be ANNOYED by you posting this" (which, irony number one, I'm not even sure anybody on social media SAW it, social media being like it is)-- and then the mean negative voice softened into somebody a little more hopeful and said (and this is where the REALLY ironic part comes in), "What you really need to do is write ORIGINAL fiction again. Then people will read it."
Which, what? I mean the benefit of fanfiction is that it comes with a built-in audience. You post it on AO3 and tag it with the fandom and the people who want to read about that fandom will COME TO IT. You've got to work a lot harder to get people to read your original fiction. So what was I talking about?
But, being that I already was thinking of Angie, I already had the answer. I was thinking about sharing writing directly with other writer friends, encouraging each other and exchanging ideas. What I wanted was a critique group.
Ah, but critique groups are for SERIOUS writers, like I USED to be over a decade ago. People trying to get Published. YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO PUBLISH. Ah, but I'd like to! Wouldn't it be fun to work seriously again, with Goals?
Well, what are you going to write about?
*crickets*
Honestly. At nighttime, when I dream, my brain makes up countless really creative stories (and, yeah, a lot of the truly boring same one about being in school and having no idea what your schedule is, THAT one is, I don't know, I don't want to read that one, either). But in the light of day when I try to think of something to write about, That Voice-- it's probably the same Voice, too!-- just keeps butting in with, "No one cares. No one needs your stories. You have nothing to say."
I've even had the same problem trying to get back in the habit of writing GeekMom articles. I used to come up with a topic every week whether the Muse was biting or not (does that metaphor even make sense? I don't know, it just came out of my head that way. I have a concussion, remember? Yes, I'm totally using that as an excuse). Now That Voice is all, "Why start now? What have YOU got to say? You don't have anything to say." Frustratingly enough, I wrote this Facebook post the other week trying to explain why Dr. Seuss is not "Cancelled," and it kind of went viral, but it only occurred to me after it was no longer the Topic du Jour that I really should have written it as a GeekMom article. UGH, brain. I swear it's just trying to self-sabotage me.
So I guess this other weird voice in my brain is convinced that IF I had something to say, THEN I could have the sort of friendship I'm craving, the kind where we inspire each other's creativity. And conversely, if I DON'T say something unique and necessary, then I DON'T deserve such friendship.
I still get EnneaType Daily Reminder/Inspiration/Whatever emails, though I haven't given my Nineness as much thought ever since I found out Nineness and Inattentive Type ADHD were basically the same thing. But the other day it reminded me of a Nine thing that isn't so much an ADHD thing, but really describes what my brain is doing. Nines are so afraid of being cut off from people that they ironically cut THEMSELVES off from people first, before other people can do it. Oh. You ever THINK that you're lonely BECAUSE you don't put yourself out there? I mean, whodathunk? If you want people to write you letters you've got to write THEM letters? What's UP with that?
So I guess this has been an attempt to put myself out there. Hi. I'm lonely. Will you be my friend? I have no idea what I'm doing and will probably do a crappy job at it, but I'm here, lost and just calling "Hi!" to the universe.
