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The other night at the library I celebrated Arbor Day (-ish) with a Library Explorers program that basically amounted to "Tree Appreciation Through Art." I'd found this interesting thing for kids comparing famous paintings of trees and jumped off from there, gathering more tree artwork for inspiration, including a lot of drawings I've done. Because it turns out trees are a motif I come back to an AWFUL LOT when I draw, even when I'm just doodling. I'm actually GOOD at trees. Trees and flowers. As opposed to attempts at drawing most anything else that isn't mostly abstract psychedelia. Actually, the trees and flowers show up in the mostly abstract psychedelia. Anyway, so the point is, I was really in to joining in the tree-painting with the kids, and one mom said, "That's really good! You just keep being talented at everything we do here!" "That's why we never do sports," I joked. And I said something modest about how I like drawing trees so just them particularly blah blah blah. But it put two things in my head:
--why not make trees more often? Why not celebrate, USE my talent, even if the only visual art I DID have any talent at was trees? Heck, I remember an art show we had to study in college of this guy whose whole schtick was baking bread into inanimate objects to make sculptures ("His parents were bakers," our professor told us in an off-hand way after showing us about ten slides without remarking on the obvious bread thing).
--During one discussion in library school, a classmate had quipped, "The librarian: Master of All Trades, Jack of None." "Don't you mean--" someone started, and the first woman said, "I meant what I said."
I thought about how my Art in the Elementary School professor in college (NOT the same class as the bread-art show) had asked me why I wasn't an art major since I seemed to have a knack for it. "Um... it never occurred to me...?" Because I went from there directly to Music in the Elementary School, where I was also one of the more musically-skilled-and-loving-it students in that class. And I'd go to Teaching of Science, of Reading, of Math... whatever, I'd ace it. I'd even go to Physical Education in the Elementary School and think of all the things I would have done differently than my own childhood gym teachers to make it clearer to lumps like me that physical education was more than just competitive sports and opportunities for klutzy kids to get bullied. I wanted to do EVERY subject, not specialize, which made Elementary Education seem like a perfect compromise, until I ended up in the classroom and realized THAT was something I definitely did NOT have talent in. But then I'd go do my volunteer work at the public library, and knew that I'd found the perfect environment for me.
In the past few years, since I've had more authority, autonomy, and actual assignments at the library (the one I work at as a librarian, not the one I volunteered at in college), I've been thriving-- feeling that ALIVE feeling you get when you're using your talents to great success. It IS a place where I can be Master of All Trades, and where I'm helping people in a way unique to me.
...so why do I feel like I'm still not DOING enough with my life?
The next day was, according to Facebook, the anniversary of the death of the mother of one of my good friends. My eyes welled up as soon as I saw her picture. I don't pay ALL that much attention to the parents of my friends, but she'd been a particularly lovely woman-- kind and funny, the sort of person you feel instantly at ease with. She'd call ME up just to check in. What a truly special person, who'd touched everyone she encountered so deeply in her cut-short life. She was a Pastor's Wife and Stay-At-Home-Mom-- her social identity tied up completely in how she related to someone else. That's not what the world calls Living an Influential Life. But as small as her SPHERE of influence had been, there was a depth to that sphere that was-- well, enough to put a friend of her daughter's, little more than an acquaintance, in tears seven years after her death. My own mom is much the same-- presiding over a very small sphere of influence, but doing it so well, with intelligence and kindness and a variety of talents-- there's no way I could ever believe her life hasn't been SUCCESSFUL because she hasn't done Great Things In the Larger World.
I've got a bigger sphere of influence than both of them. I'm the public children's librarian. People recognize me at the grocery store. And yet I still can't shake the feeling that I'm FAILING because I'm not the author I expected to be. Because I'm not writing brilliant stories and sharing them with the world, making hundreds of tweens say "THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS BOOK, IT'S CHANGED MY LIFE AND I'M NOT ALONE!"
Why does it matter? Why does it matter when I could be leaving the world a better place for my having been here just by being a Good Person like my mom or Mrs. Sistek? Why does it matter when I'm obviously doing good work as a librarian, hooking people up with the stories and information they need and didn't even know they wanted? There's a social media campaign going on right now called #WeNeedDiverseBooks, which the librarian side of me is all about-- YES! MORE PEOPLE'S STORIES! WE NEED UNIQUE STORIES! --but the writer side of me cringes every time I see it, as this nasty voice-of-the-Lone-Power (I will never be convinced it's anything OTHER than the voice of the Lone Power, no matter how hard it is to disbelieve) takes every opportunity to translate that hashtag into "SHUT UP, AMY, YOU WHITE CIS-HET TECHNICALLY-ABLE-BODIED PERSON-WHOSE-STORY-NOBODY-NEEDS-TO-HEAR! SEE? NOBODY CARES IF YOU EVER WRITE AGAIN. YOUR STORIES ARE NOT NEEDED." I mean, though, SURE as it's the sort of thing the Creator-of-Entropy-Prince-of-Lies would say... but what DOES it matter? What difference does it make if I never publish a book? I wrote some great Lycoris letters, touching the lives of a few specific strangers-- to those people, that was enough, you know? Every time I recommend one of those stories to somebody at the library, that's enough. Every new concept I introduce people to at my programs-- it's ENOUGH. To my family, my very BEING is enough.
Why can't I focus on being the best person I can be in the sphere of influence I've got? The kind of mom who isn't constantly forgetting to sign her kids' school papers on time or to force them to brush their teeth? The kind of homemaker who doesn't let messes pile up until the very last minute? The kind of librarian who PUTS HERSELF OUT THERE more and gets the attention of more potential patrons and financial donors and board members? How can I even IMAGINE having a broader sphere of influence when I'm barely juggling THIS one?
What does it matter if I'm not an author? I barely write anything anymore than journal entries and blog posts and the occasional paper letter, anyway. Why can't I let it go?
--why not make trees more often? Why not celebrate, USE my talent, even if the only visual art I DID have any talent at was trees? Heck, I remember an art show we had to study in college of this guy whose whole schtick was baking bread into inanimate objects to make sculptures ("His parents were bakers," our professor told us in an off-hand way after showing us about ten slides without remarking on the obvious bread thing).
--During one discussion in library school, a classmate had quipped, "The librarian: Master of All Trades, Jack of None." "Don't you mean--" someone started, and the first woman said, "I meant what I said."
I thought about how my Art in the Elementary School professor in college (NOT the same class as the bread-art show) had asked me why I wasn't an art major since I seemed to have a knack for it. "Um... it never occurred to me...?" Because I went from there directly to Music in the Elementary School, where I was also one of the more musically-skilled-and-loving-it students in that class. And I'd go to Teaching of Science, of Reading, of Math... whatever, I'd ace it. I'd even go to Physical Education in the Elementary School and think of all the things I would have done differently than my own childhood gym teachers to make it clearer to lumps like me that physical education was more than just competitive sports and opportunities for klutzy kids to get bullied. I wanted to do EVERY subject, not specialize, which made Elementary Education seem like a perfect compromise, until I ended up in the classroom and realized THAT was something I definitely did NOT have talent in. But then I'd go do my volunteer work at the public library, and knew that I'd found the perfect environment for me.
In the past few years, since I've had more authority, autonomy, and actual assignments at the library (the one I work at as a librarian, not the one I volunteered at in college), I've been thriving-- feeling that ALIVE feeling you get when you're using your talents to great success. It IS a place where I can be Master of All Trades, and where I'm helping people in a way unique to me.
...so why do I feel like I'm still not DOING enough with my life?
The next day was, according to Facebook, the anniversary of the death of the mother of one of my good friends. My eyes welled up as soon as I saw her picture. I don't pay ALL that much attention to the parents of my friends, but she'd been a particularly lovely woman-- kind and funny, the sort of person you feel instantly at ease with. She'd call ME up just to check in. What a truly special person, who'd touched everyone she encountered so deeply in her cut-short life. She was a Pastor's Wife and Stay-At-Home-Mom-- her social identity tied up completely in how she related to someone else. That's not what the world calls Living an Influential Life. But as small as her SPHERE of influence had been, there was a depth to that sphere that was-- well, enough to put a friend of her daughter's, little more than an acquaintance, in tears seven years after her death. My own mom is much the same-- presiding over a very small sphere of influence, but doing it so well, with intelligence and kindness and a variety of talents-- there's no way I could ever believe her life hasn't been SUCCESSFUL because she hasn't done Great Things In the Larger World.
I've got a bigger sphere of influence than both of them. I'm the public children's librarian. People recognize me at the grocery store. And yet I still can't shake the feeling that I'm FAILING because I'm not the author I expected to be. Because I'm not writing brilliant stories and sharing them with the world, making hundreds of tweens say "THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS BOOK, IT'S CHANGED MY LIFE AND I'M NOT ALONE!"
Why does it matter? Why does it matter when I could be leaving the world a better place for my having been here just by being a Good Person like my mom or Mrs. Sistek? Why does it matter when I'm obviously doing good work as a librarian, hooking people up with the stories and information they need and didn't even know they wanted? There's a social media campaign going on right now called #WeNeedDiverseBooks, which the librarian side of me is all about-- YES! MORE PEOPLE'S STORIES! WE NEED UNIQUE STORIES! --but the writer side of me cringes every time I see it, as this nasty voice-of-the-Lone-Power (I will never be convinced it's anything OTHER than the voice of the Lone Power, no matter how hard it is to disbelieve) takes every opportunity to translate that hashtag into "SHUT UP, AMY, YOU WHITE CIS-HET TECHNICALLY-ABLE-BODIED PERSON-WHOSE-STORY-NOBODY-NEEDS-TO-HEAR! SEE? NOBODY CARES IF YOU EVER WRITE AGAIN. YOUR STORIES ARE NOT NEEDED." I mean, though, SURE as it's the sort of thing the Creator-of-Entropy-Prince-of-Lies would say... but what DOES it matter? What difference does it make if I never publish a book? I wrote some great Lycoris letters, touching the lives of a few specific strangers-- to those people, that was enough, you know? Every time I recommend one of those stories to somebody at the library, that's enough. Every new concept I introduce people to at my programs-- it's ENOUGH. To my family, my very BEING is enough.
Why can't I focus on being the best person I can be in the sphere of influence I've got? The kind of mom who isn't constantly forgetting to sign her kids' school papers on time or to force them to brush their teeth? The kind of homemaker who doesn't let messes pile up until the very last minute? The kind of librarian who PUTS HERSELF OUT THERE more and gets the attention of more potential patrons and financial donors and board members? How can I even IMAGINE having a broader sphere of influence when I'm barely juggling THIS one?
What does it matter if I'm not an author? I barely write anything anymore than journal entries and blog posts and the occasional paper letter, anyway. Why can't I let it go?
