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Help Keep Me Doing In the World
Feb. 16th, 2013 03:44 pmGuys, I need help. I need you to hold me accountable. That's the only way I can make this "truly living" thing work.
I never held much with New Year's Resolutions, because it seems to me that, whenever you resolve to do something, you should just DO it. Well, you SHOULD, but that's hypocritical of me, because I always say I'm going to do things and never get around to doing them. Doing-- doing is the next step in Me being a Better Me, a Me who's actively making the world a better place and not just drifting along attempting not to make it a worse one. Zoloft's great stuff, it got me out of that abyss of depression where I honestly COULDN'T do anything, not even THINK straight (which really hammers home how depressed people CAN'T "just snap out of it," considering that was merely my FIRST step-- getting to the point where I CAN do something). That was step one. No longer drowning. Hanging on to a floatation device. Then came all of last summer's ATTITUDE changes, the thinking about myself and other people in new ways. That was step 2. Building a sturdier boat. But now I have to learn to sail it. But which ropes am I supposed to pull first? Which direction do I even want to go? What if I choose the wrong direction? Maybe I should just drift, never deciding anything....
I am a NATURAL at drifting. There's been so many resolutions I made in these past few months, new habits I needed to start, others I needed to break, and I was determined-- but I never took action. I try to remember when I ever DIDN'T drift. But I think earlier on, before kids maybe, I at least CREATED. I made things. I wrote things. I did more than just consume. Then-- well, I guess more people joined the "I NEED SOMETHING FROM YOU, AMY/MOMMY" party and it became harder to find my own voice. The ironic thing is that, if you're a doormat like me, you think you're being "nice" by just letting everyone else carry you along, going their way and not your own, but in the end NOBODY'S actually happy because other people can tell your heart's not into it, or they get frustrated and think you're lazy, or that you're trying to brush them off when you really just want time to yourself, so you don't take time to yourself but then you're bitter about it, and nobody likes you bitter, and besides, what are you HERE for? What are you adding to the world? You're not. You have this spark inside you, the Holy Spirit trying to work through you, trying to add to Creation through your hands, and you push it down, hide it under a bushel, pile so many "but..."s on top of it that you can't even find it anymore, just because you're not brave enough to stand up and declare "I have gifts, I can make a positive difference in the world, I MUST TAKE ACTION AND NOT DRIFT ANYMORE!"
But even though I don't hold with New Year's Resolutions, I hold a little more with Lent. Lent DOES make me question, inspires me to change. Maybe because it's only, technically, for a short period of time-- it's not a whole YEAR you have to keep these resolutions, it's just 40 days, and you even get Sundays off-- if you want you can go right back to your old habits at Easter! But if you're lucky-- or you're really serious, and aren't just giving up chocolate* out of a sense of duty-- you will have ESTABLISHED those new, good habits over the course of those seven weeks, and you WILL keep going, and you WILL have grown into a better person.
So Lent is here again, reminding me that I need to get my soul in shape, and the universe is poking me about it. I have seen so many reminders this week directly focused on MY Type-9ish problem (here's a couple that popped up on Facebook right on Ash Wednesday itself), and I got a well-timed letter from a friend making it clear-- in an earnest, thinking-of-other-things way that lets you KNOW it's genuine and not just flattery-- that I AM needed: "I think you have a lot to offer to the world," she wrote outright. "We all could use more people like you." Then on the back of a receipt she quoted, "You owe it to all of us to get on with what you're good at."
On Valentine's Day I wanted to write a post about love, REAL love, because I kept seeing so much online that day-- from adults, not just hormonal teenagers-- that still INSISTED on equating "love" with "romance" or even "lust." "Oh, love doesn't last, it's scientifically proven." No dear, those are hormones. Love is something different. That night I had a family storytime-- almost literally, my family and two other people were the only ones who showed up-- and I had everyone make a group poster of ways to show love. My husband drew a picture of someone getting lice combed out of their hair. It was possibly the most beautifully accurate thing on that poster, because, indeed, we'd been doing quite a lot of that at our house this week,** and it was nothing if not acts of love. Anyway, it makes me sad when people don't realize the true extent of LOVE, and I wondered if, indeed, this is one of the things I'M needed to show the world. But I didn't write that post. There's so much I think about but don't write. Why don't I write?
Last night I slept shallowly, waking up practically every hour, but never staying awake long, so my awake times were more half-asleep. And it was during one of those times I wondered, what if I blog on a schedule? What if I make myself blog once a week, no excuses, so I can't just let things slide, and I'll have the people who read me to keep me accountable to that? After all, I've managed to do a vloggy=video every week for the past month and a half. (Here's this week's, which also felt like the universe poking me. At the end I kind of go off into what I described as "an 'It Gets Better' video, and I'd kind of let go and --well, what happens stuck OUT to me. I saw the Me that is me-when-the-Spirit-starts-working-through-me, the Me I CAN be, the person the world needs. I was DOING IT. How do I do it MORE?) Eventually I will start writing fiction again, but meanwhile I don't even blog regularly-- but THAT is a sort of writing I can be held accountable for. I'll be forced to get at least two different creative works out weekly-- the vlogs on Fridays, the blogs on Saturdays-- and that's the start of new habits.
So I'd like you to hold me accountable. I'd like you to expect me to write here, to REMIND me to write here, to cheer me on whenever I do. (And not necessarily in a positive way-- if you want to ARGUE with me in the comments, as long as you do it in a thoughtful way that lets me know you actually read what I wrote, well... then I'll know you read what I wrote! That my words communicated something! And that will make me unable to use the "why bother if no one is listening?" excuse!)
And I'd like it to be a little more than just a rambly livejournaling. I'd like to experiment with formats and genres here. I was going to ask you to give me ideas, give me requests, but then I wrote this and wondered if that was still too much letting-other-people-steer me. But on the other hand, it's fun to know I'm writing FOR somebody else. They're not doing the writing-- it's still me, doing it my way. Our vlogs have weekly themes that I had nothing to do with originally, but I've made each theme my own. So it works. And I don't HAVE to take any of your ideas. So if you have anything you'd like to see me address, or a way you'd like to see me address anything, I would LOVE to hear about it in the comments. If you DON'T have any requests whatsoever, I still would love to hear from you in the comments, just to know that I have an audience. If you're not on LiveJournal, you can still log in through Facebook or Twitter or Google or OpenID or even just "Anonymously" (but if you do that, please sign your name in the body of the comment. Or use an alias! An alias is fine, too. Just something I can think of you as). I mean, it seems weird to ask for help to become self-motivated, but I do. I need the cheering-on. I need to know I'm needed.
-----
*I never give up sweets for Lent, mostly because my birthday usually falls during Lent and that would just be stupid. My birthday is actually ON Easter this year. I'm still not giving up sweets. Sweets are the least of my bad habits!
**LONG STORY. In fact most of this week has been taken up dealing with lice infestation. If you feel I've been online less this week, it may be that THAT was what was keeping me so busy.
I never held much with New Year's Resolutions, because it seems to me that, whenever you resolve to do something, you should just DO it. Well, you SHOULD, but that's hypocritical of me, because I always say I'm going to do things and never get around to doing them. Doing-- doing is the next step in Me being a Better Me, a Me who's actively making the world a better place and not just drifting along attempting not to make it a worse one. Zoloft's great stuff, it got me out of that abyss of depression where I honestly COULDN'T do anything, not even THINK straight (which really hammers home how depressed people CAN'T "just snap out of it," considering that was merely my FIRST step-- getting to the point where I CAN do something). That was step one. No longer drowning. Hanging on to a floatation device. Then came all of last summer's ATTITUDE changes, the thinking about myself and other people in new ways. That was step 2. Building a sturdier boat. But now I have to learn to sail it. But which ropes am I supposed to pull first? Which direction do I even want to go? What if I choose the wrong direction? Maybe I should just drift, never deciding anything....
I am a NATURAL at drifting. There's been so many resolutions I made in these past few months, new habits I needed to start, others I needed to break, and I was determined-- but I never took action. I try to remember when I ever DIDN'T drift. But I think earlier on, before kids maybe, I at least CREATED. I made things. I wrote things. I did more than just consume. Then-- well, I guess more people joined the "I NEED SOMETHING FROM YOU, AMY/MOMMY" party and it became harder to find my own voice. The ironic thing is that, if you're a doormat like me, you think you're being "nice" by just letting everyone else carry you along, going their way and not your own, but in the end NOBODY'S actually happy because other people can tell your heart's not into it, or they get frustrated and think you're lazy, or that you're trying to brush them off when you really just want time to yourself, so you don't take time to yourself but then you're bitter about it, and nobody likes you bitter, and besides, what are you HERE for? What are you adding to the world? You're not. You have this spark inside you, the Holy Spirit trying to work through you, trying to add to Creation through your hands, and you push it down, hide it under a bushel, pile so many "but..."s on top of it that you can't even find it anymore, just because you're not brave enough to stand up and declare "I have gifts, I can make a positive difference in the world, I MUST TAKE ACTION AND NOT DRIFT ANYMORE!"
But even though I don't hold with New Year's Resolutions, I hold a little more with Lent. Lent DOES make me question, inspires me to change. Maybe because it's only, technically, for a short period of time-- it's not a whole YEAR you have to keep these resolutions, it's just 40 days, and you even get Sundays off-- if you want you can go right back to your old habits at Easter! But if you're lucky-- or you're really serious, and aren't just giving up chocolate* out of a sense of duty-- you will have ESTABLISHED those new, good habits over the course of those seven weeks, and you WILL keep going, and you WILL have grown into a better person.
So Lent is here again, reminding me that I need to get my soul in shape, and the universe is poking me about it. I have seen so many reminders this week directly focused on MY Type-9ish problem (here's a couple that popped up on Facebook right on Ash Wednesday itself), and I got a well-timed letter from a friend making it clear-- in an earnest, thinking-of-other-things way that lets you KNOW it's genuine and not just flattery-- that I AM needed: "I think you have a lot to offer to the world," she wrote outright. "We all could use more people like you." Then on the back of a receipt she quoted, "You owe it to all of us to get on with what you're good at."
On Valentine's Day I wanted to write a post about love, REAL love, because I kept seeing so much online that day-- from adults, not just hormonal teenagers-- that still INSISTED on equating "love" with "romance" or even "lust." "Oh, love doesn't last, it's scientifically proven." No dear, those are hormones. Love is something different. That night I had a family storytime-- almost literally, my family and two other people were the only ones who showed up-- and I had everyone make a group poster of ways to show love. My husband drew a picture of someone getting lice combed out of their hair. It was possibly the most beautifully accurate thing on that poster, because, indeed, we'd been doing quite a lot of that at our house this week,** and it was nothing if not acts of love. Anyway, it makes me sad when people don't realize the true extent of LOVE, and I wondered if, indeed, this is one of the things I'M needed to show the world. But I didn't write that post. There's so much I think about but don't write. Why don't I write?
Last night I slept shallowly, waking up practically every hour, but never staying awake long, so my awake times were more half-asleep. And it was during one of those times I wondered, what if I blog on a schedule? What if I make myself blog once a week, no excuses, so I can't just let things slide, and I'll have the people who read me to keep me accountable to that? After all, I've managed to do a vloggy=video every week for the past month and a half. (Here's this week's, which also felt like the universe poking me. At the end I kind of go off into what I described as "an 'It Gets Better' video, and I'd kind of let go and --well, what happens stuck OUT to me. I saw the Me that is me-when-the-Spirit-starts-working-through-me, the Me I CAN be, the person the world needs. I was DOING IT. How do I do it MORE?) Eventually I will start writing fiction again, but meanwhile I don't even blog regularly-- but THAT is a sort of writing I can be held accountable for. I'll be forced to get at least two different creative works out weekly-- the vlogs on Fridays, the blogs on Saturdays-- and that's the start of new habits.
So I'd like you to hold me accountable. I'd like you to expect me to write here, to REMIND me to write here, to cheer me on whenever I do. (And not necessarily in a positive way-- if you want to ARGUE with me in the comments, as long as you do it in a thoughtful way that lets me know you actually read what I wrote, well... then I'll know you read what I wrote! That my words communicated something! And that will make me unable to use the "why bother if no one is listening?" excuse!)
And I'd like it to be a little more than just a rambly livejournaling. I'd like to experiment with formats and genres here. I was going to ask you to give me ideas, give me requests, but then I wrote this and wondered if that was still too much letting-other-people-steer me. But on the other hand, it's fun to know I'm writing FOR somebody else. They're not doing the writing-- it's still me, doing it my way. Our vlogs have weekly themes that I had nothing to do with originally, but I've made each theme my own. So it works. And I don't HAVE to take any of your ideas. So if you have anything you'd like to see me address, or a way you'd like to see me address anything, I would LOVE to hear about it in the comments. If you DON'T have any requests whatsoever, I still would love to hear from you in the comments, just to know that I have an audience. If you're not on LiveJournal, you can still log in through Facebook or Twitter or Google or OpenID or even just "Anonymously" (but if you do that, please sign your name in the body of the comment. Or use an alias! An alias is fine, too. Just something I can think of you as). I mean, it seems weird to ask for help to become self-motivated, but I do. I need the cheering-on. I need to know I'm needed.
-----
*I never give up sweets for Lent, mostly because my birthday usually falls during Lent and that would just be stupid. My birthday is actually ON Easter this year. I'm still not giving up sweets. Sweets are the least of my bad habits!
**LONG STORY. In fact most of this week has been taken up dealing with lice infestation. If you feel I've been online less this week, it may be that THAT was what was keeping me so busy.
