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I've wondered a bit if this blog...ish thing has been a disappointment lately for people who started following me when I talked more about books (this year books and I have had a trial separation. With occasional dates. But it's been a weird year for books and I'll write more about that in about a month, when it becomes time for the annual Books of the Year post). Lately-- when I post at all-- it's tended to be more philosophical than anything else. But I've been going through some serious personal growth this past-- half a year or so-- ever since the Zoloft kicked in and I had ENERGY to apply to actual personal growth, and so my THINKING has mostly focused on philosophical issues. Those and my Imaginary Marriage to Martin Freeman, which also requires much contemplation.
A few weeks ago-- just before I posted this Manifesto-- I had something of a breakthrough. It's like, say, your state of mental/emotional/spiritual health is at a particular baseline level, but your mood can fluctuate a certain amount up or down from there. I felt like, on the other hand, my BASELINE LEVEL had moved up a notch. My mood has been actually a little low lately-- it's physical, I've been wondering if I need to up the med dosage-- but it's a DIFFERENT SORT OF LOW. Less HOPELESS. It's more of a sadness than a fatalism. Something in my THINKING has changed.
I'm sure you witnessed how the political nastiness didn't let up after the election like one would hope it would. So I'd posted on Facebook asking everyone, AGAIN, to try to be nice to each other for Christ's Sake (literally), even though I'd of course posted this just days before and no one listened then, either. I got a few responses that outright disagreed with me. One said something to the effect of, "You're living in a dream world. People argue. Get over it."
My usual pattern would have been to go slightly catatonic. Not push the issue. Give up. Let the negative voices in real life feed the negative voices in my head that remind me that I'm naive or stupid or ineffectual. But instead, something SNAPPED. "NO," said a new, stronger voice in my head. "That's wrong. YOU'RE RIGHT."
Funny how the word "NO" can sometimes be a POSITIVE. It was liberating. I was standing firm instead of withering away. And so I wrote that Manifesto, determined, triumphant, and more CONFIDENT than I'd felt in... maybe ever.
Something has changed in me, something (I hope) permanent. I don't feel as intimidated as I used to be. I don't feel quite so much like I'll only ever keep drifting through life. All my life I've had this conviction that EVERYONE KNOWS BETTER THAN ME, probably because everyone else is so assertive and I'm just inclined to be agreeable. I always deferred to someone else, and if I didn't actually AGREE with them I'd just be cranky and bitter but I'd still figure doing things THEIR way would probably be less of a hassle in the long run... or I'd just passive-aggressively not go along with it while not actually fighting against it. But now I can look at people and see them as people, faulty people, no better or worse than me. And I can accept now that sometimes they're wrong. Sometimes I'M right!
I'm closer to 35 than 34, married with two kids, and only just now do I finally believe that I'm an ADULT. That I DO have wisdom and knowledge I can impart to others. That I don't have to SUBJUGATE myself to everyone else because they obviously know better because they're older or smarter or cooler or more Up On Things than me. I'M A GROWN-UP, TOO. And I know stuff. I may even know some stuff better than you know some stuff. Sometimes I'm right.
A few weeks ago-- just before I posted this Manifesto-- I had something of a breakthrough. It's like, say, your state of mental/emotional/spiritual health is at a particular baseline level, but your mood can fluctuate a certain amount up or down from there. I felt like, on the other hand, my BASELINE LEVEL had moved up a notch. My mood has been actually a little low lately-- it's physical, I've been wondering if I need to up the med dosage-- but it's a DIFFERENT SORT OF LOW. Less HOPELESS. It's more of a sadness than a fatalism. Something in my THINKING has changed.
I'm sure you witnessed how the political nastiness didn't let up after the election like one would hope it would. So I'd posted on Facebook asking everyone, AGAIN, to try to be nice to each other for Christ's Sake (literally), even though I'd of course posted this just days before and no one listened then, either. I got a few responses that outright disagreed with me. One said something to the effect of, "You're living in a dream world. People argue. Get over it."
My usual pattern would have been to go slightly catatonic. Not push the issue. Give up. Let the negative voices in real life feed the negative voices in my head that remind me that I'm naive or stupid or ineffectual. But instead, something SNAPPED. "NO," said a new, stronger voice in my head. "That's wrong. YOU'RE RIGHT."
Funny how the word "NO" can sometimes be a POSITIVE. It was liberating. I was standing firm instead of withering away. And so I wrote that Manifesto, determined, triumphant, and more CONFIDENT than I'd felt in... maybe ever.
Something has changed in me, something (I hope) permanent. I don't feel as intimidated as I used to be. I don't feel quite so much like I'll only ever keep drifting through life. All my life I've had this conviction that EVERYONE KNOWS BETTER THAN ME, probably because everyone else is so assertive and I'm just inclined to be agreeable. I always deferred to someone else, and if I didn't actually AGREE with them I'd just be cranky and bitter but I'd still figure doing things THEIR way would probably be less of a hassle in the long run... or I'd just passive-aggressively not go along with it while not actually fighting against it. But now I can look at people and see them as people, faulty people, no better or worse than me. And I can accept now that sometimes they're wrong. Sometimes I'M right!
I'm closer to 35 than 34, married with two kids, and only just now do I finally believe that I'm an ADULT. That I DO have wisdom and knowledge I can impart to others. That I don't have to SUBJUGATE myself to everyone else because they obviously know better because they're older or smarter or cooler or more Up On Things than me. I'M A GROWN-UP, TOO. And I know stuff. I may even know some stuff better than you know some stuff. Sometimes I'm right.
