rockinlibrarian | John J. Matviya, 11/26/51--11/6/22

Current Music: a playlist I made of all my dad's favorite music on my computer to play for him

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John J. Matviya, 11/26/51--11/6/22

old photo giving off waves of "late 70s early 80s" of a man who here looks remarkably like a Sgt-Pepper-era Ringo Starr, sitting at a baby grand piano with a baby (younger than a year but older than 6 months) on his lap. The baby has her hands on the keyboard, too, and is looking suspiciously at the camera

I’ve told this story before, but it was, although I don’t technically remember it, a deeply formidable experience. When I was a colicky baby— which is basically infant terminology for “highly sensitive and prone to overstimulation, this child is probably neurodivergent”— the only thing that could soothe me was my Dad taking me on his lap while he played the piano. I know why it worked because it still works on me, the soothing power of music, and the sound of a piano especially instantly comforts me. The part that stood out most about the earliest dream I remember (I had to have been no older than four), besides the basic concept (that there was a secret door to a literal toy land behind the wall quilt above my bed), was the soundtrack, my dad playing “The Toyland March” out of an old Disney Music book on the piano. A few years later he’d come home with a flier about music lessons and asked if I wanted to play the piano or the violin. I honestly don’t think I realized “neither” was an unspoken option, but maybe it wasn’t, because “piano” was the only true option after all.

Anyway, that’s the biggest thing about my relationship with my dad— it’s also my relationship with music.

He was always singing—I’m always singing. He made me want to sing in front of people, as I watched him in the church choir and the Westmoreland Choral Society. It normalized and made me really appreciate guys who sing, as I joined school choral groups and the girls always drastically outnumbered the boys. Stop being stupid, boys! Guys do so sing!

He was also always playing music, not just on the piano—and frankly, I only realized years later, he wasn’t even that good—but recordings. We always had music on in our house, and I’m still stunned to realize this isn’t a universal thing— my own family seems to disbelieve in it, even! (*cough cough*SAM and turning off my kitchen radio*cough cough*) My dad’s favorites were Classical and 60s rock, and so I got to know those best, too, though it took what must have been a frustratingly long time for him. I distinctly remember asking once how he even could tell the difference between the Beatles and Beach Boys, which naturally gobsmacked him. Granted, NOW I can not only tell you the difference, but I might also go into a treatise on exactly how Rubber Soul begat Pet Sounds begat Sgt. Peppers…. And yes, when I, in my own time, suddenly became a Beatlemaniac at the age of fifteen, Dad very enthusiastically dug deep into his vast vinyl collection to let me explore and introduce me to the rare and weird and wonderful of classic rock. And when I hit college, I took a bit of that vinyl collection with me to deejay on WIUP-FM, just as my dad had done 30 years before.

He truly took it upon himself to make us culturally literate about music. He made sure to take us to classical concerts and the ballet and musical theater. One summer he came to my room and asked if I wanted to go see Chicago (the band) or the Four Seasons in concert with him. It was the “piano or violin” thing repeated, I don’t think I realized “neither” was an option, but again there really was only one option, since I’d only recently decided “Saturday in the Park” was the happiest song in the world and I didn’t even like the Four Seasons, sorry, Dad. So began the first of at least five summers of an annual trek out to Star Lake for the Chicago concert, including one year my dad couldn’t go because it was the same day as the Legendary Gundy Family Reunion, so I took a bunch of cousins with me instead.

Music and my Dad are just linked. To say he encouraged the music in me is an understatement.

And that, of course, brings us to marching band. My dad was a legend of a Band Parent, with his ubiquitous camcorder and friendly banter. He made a point of learning everyone’s names and instruments and personalities. And there’s me, the nerdy introvert eventually voted shyest in my class, looking around the band room before an event and realizing, “My dad has more friends in the band than I do.” I was ignored, my dad was adored.

Which is really the most important thing about my dad, for the rest of the world: his genuine kindness. It wasn’t just particular instances of sometimes being kind, like an average person has: he exuded kindness. You could feel it immediately. When a friend of mine heard that Dad was in hospice, she immediately responded, “He is an amazing guy,” and I did a double-take—not that I didn’t agree—but when had she even met my dad? There was my wedding (which was busy enough for everyone already), and one D&D session we’d had at my house just after college— and those were both nearly twenty years ago—and reading my mind, she continued, “I know I only met him a couple times, but he always was so welcoming and full of joy and love.”

I thought of all the times random people would join us for dinner. I thought of Christmas Eve, the parties we had that were truly open house parties, where all were welcome— so many guests would bring friends that had nowhere else to go— he was chatting with an old lady at church an hour before, found out she was spending the evening alone, and look, suddenly that old lady is at our party, too. That happened at a lot of parties, actually, not just Christmas Eve. Another Christmas Eve he took us to deliver a tub of my mom’s traditional Christmas Eve minestrone to a sick neighbor.

I mean, I was a bit spoiled growing up, in a way I didn’t realize until I joined the Real World, and discovered most adults were NOT as intrinsically GOOD as my parents are. My dad, especially, is a treasure, in our culture so tainted with Toxic Masculinity. Too many men are cold, unfeeling, heartless. I was always a little annoyed by the prevalence of Dead Beat and even Downright Abusive Dads in stories growing up— it was practically an archetype—the Darth Vader of the Hero’s Journey— but it was so NOT my experience with my own father—and yeah, there are also plenty of Good-Dad father-figures in stories, but they’re still a minority. And the sad thing is that IS a reflection of our society. Too many men seem unable to show love, some to the point of hate, instead. My dad was always there as a brilliant example that this was NOT just “the way men are,” “boys will be boys” or whatnot. He was a man who showed the world just how good a man could truly be. Kind, accepting, genuinely interested in each person he interacted with— embodying namaste— the Divine in him zeroing right in on the Divine in each person he met.

I’m not as good a Catholic as I used to be, but my dad’s faith has always been my inspiration. In our society, politics and religion have gotten tangled up in confusing and dangerous ways, and if I had been raised by anyone else, I may have lost faith entirely. But I had Dad’s faith as my example, a faith based not in dogma and judgment, but in love and relationships. With his—and admittedly, also Madeleine L’Engle’s—influences, I could confidently accept that Creationism, homophobia, and to be honest the vast majority of what is professed by the political beast known as the Christian Right, were not what Christianity is to me at all. Christianity is endeavoring to be Christ-like— loving, forgiving, perceptive, welcoming, not hesitating to break the rules for the sake of mercy— you know, treating people the way my dad does. He always said the Prayer of St. Francis reminded him of his dad:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

But my Dad lived by that prayer, too, and I, in turn, have tried to adopt it myself. I wish I was as brave about it as my Dad, though— I’m not quite sure it comes off as strongly in someone as introverted and scatterbrained as myself.

There are more things I can say about my dad— the way we had to stop at every Civil War battlefield we came near on any of our road trips, the way he checked every time he visited me at the library to see if anyone had found the self-pubbed local history book he’d given them years ago (because it’s not in our catalog any more, at least), the way he always somehow instinctively knew when I was interested in a particular guy and would tease very gently, the huge hilarious belly flops he’d do in our wading pool, the year or two I spent following baseball just because he was such a big Pirates fan, the energy he’d put into MCing his kids’ birthday parties, the sound of his voice when he’d announce things. But the music and the kindness are the two things that stick out the strongest, so that’s what I’m writing about today.

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What a wonderful example to the world.

Thank you!

I’m so bad with words at times like these, but I just think your dad was and is a treasure. I’m lucky to have met him and glad he helped make you. I know so many of his wonderful qualities live on in the way you are in the world. Beautiful tribute. Sending you all the love.

Oops this is Angie. <3

Thank you!

A beautiful portrait and I know it's only a tiny slice of an amazing human being. Thinking of you and your family <3 <3

Well said. Thank you!

I'm sorry for your loss. This was a wonderful tribute. I know I met your dad before, but I can't remember him that well.

You were one of the people he welcomed, when you came for Tracie's birthday party the one summer and had to come a day early! My dad was like THE MORE THE MERRIER! And also chatted with your mom in the driveway a long time. I seem to recall they discovered they had a mutual friend or something. :D

Thank you.

Such a lovely tribute to your father. I never met your dad but from your description, I can see how Maggie is his daughter. Prayers for your entire family.

Yeah, he passed a lot down! Thank you!

So sorry for your loss, my friend, and so glad you have such wonderful memories to sustain you. Your dad sounds like an amazing person.

-Louise

Thank you, he was.

I'm so sorry for your loss. He sounds like an awesome person and it's wonderful that you got to have him as your father.

Thank you.

(I especially appreciate and want to keep rereading all the ones where people shared their own memories and stories):

Beth C: Beautiful Amy. That’s the first thing your Dad and I connected with was music. I will miss him. Sending love and hugs.❤️🙏🏼

Megan T: This is absolutely beautiful, Amy. The number one thing I remember about your dad is music. The choral concerts, him singing at church, and all the awesome Beatles records that played at your house. I remember anytime it was some ones birthday he would play "Birthday" by the Beatles. He was so charismatic and always made you feel welcome. Your dad played such a big role in my life growing up that anytime I think of my childhood I think of your family. All the Christmas Eves, Birthdays, Game Nights, etc spent with your family were wonderful memories that I am so happy to have.
----Me: Megan T Your mom is here and keeps trying to say something long but it just comes down to "you're family. He's our family."

Hope W: Aww I am so sorry for you’re family’s loss. My thought and prayers are with you.

Emily A: What a beautiful tribute. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like an amazing man.

Emily P: Lovely words for a lovely man. Much love to you and your family, dear Amy ❤️

Jeremy R: Wonderful tribute; and wonderful that through music you will always have a connection with your father.

Amy EA M: This is beautiful. I want to thank you for sharing your dad with all of us. I doubt my own dad knew what instruments I played, he sure never spent a regular football game with us, and never would have taken time away from his girlfriend to go on a band trip and preserve it on film for us. It struck me reading this how many ways your dad filled a gap for so many of us who had an absent parent. And there are really no words to express how much I appreciate you and your family.

Suzy S: Oh Amy M. Weir , I am so sorry to hear of your family's loss. I loved your Dad and have many fond memories of him with the band. I know my Mom was close with your parents and she would tell me the stories of trips she took with them. He was a wonderful man and I know you have many cherished memories of him. My Mom filled me in Friday that he wasn't doing well and broke my heart to think of all he and you all have been going through and dealing with. Again my thoughts and prayers are with you and your whole family. Much love. 💞

Megan J: Amy, let me tell you a story about this weekend. I think your dad had a hand in it. As you might have heard me mention, this weekend was the 101st year celebration of the IUP marching band. I don't know if your dad marched with the band, but I'm guessing he did, or at least he came to watch them. At post-game, the alumni came to the field to play Amazing Grace. We played it once, and we all sat there for probably a good 2-3 minutes, perfectly still. Then, we did it again. Because someone asked us to. Can't blame them, it is an amazing piece of music and to have 600-ish musicians play that particular arrangement is something I'm never going to forget. When the last note was released to resonate off of the mountains, there was a very brief drizzle of rain. There wasn't supposed to be rain, but it was as if the music moved the very heavens. Seconds later, a dazzling rainbow shone down on us and the sun turned the raindrops and teardrops into diamonds. I'd like to think that your dad was headed home and took a little detour to the college he loved, and stopped to listen for a moment, and share his love one more time. The world is a darker place without him, but he left his light in you, your siblings, and all his friends and family. Everywhere and everyone he touched carries a little of his light with them forever.
---Tracie U: Megan J I can’t love this story enough.
---Beth C: Megan J, I’m not crying…

Paula F: My love and sympathies to you, Amy, and all of your family. Your dad will truly be missed.

Lindsay O: My best memories are around the piano too. The music, the creativity, the games and fun…all that great stuff came from your house in every memory I have. Your dad was so fun and loving and I feel lucky he was a part of my life. Love you guys and am so sad he’s gone.

Sophie B: Amy this is so beautiful. I’m sad I never met your dad after reading that, what a wonderful legacy he leaves behind. We send you and your family all our love. 💐

Shasta G: I’m so sorry to hear of your dads passing. Praying comfort and peace and memories to live in you

Angela G: After reading your post, I was thinking about how your dad influenced me musically, too, mainly through you. How many songs would I never had known if I had not learned them from you, after you learned them from him... 💗 I always thought his record collection was iconic.
---Tracie U: Angela G same!

Mary M: What a wonderful tribute, Amy. He was a very kind man with a love of people and music. I am going to miss him.

Megan P: What a beautiful tribute to a wonderful person. His kindness and warm personality were blessings to everyone he came across. I remember his smile and the way he truly cared for people. Sending you and your family lots of love and comfort.

Lisa H: So so perfect, Amy. ❤️

Mo Jo: Beautiful Amy, a wonderful portrait of the man we all instantly love.

Carrie R: Amy, your Dad was amazing. He had such a profound impact on my life. He gave me my first job, mowing grass, believed in me enough when I was in college to recommend me for an internship to DEP. Helped me get to my job with DEP by car pooling, when I didn’t have the resources. All of this, helped get me to where I am in life. He believed in me & that means more to me than anything else. I will never forget the summer parties, the Christmas Eves, the times I a would just stop over when I was in town. Always so kind & welcoming. Amazing human & it was beyond a privilege to know him. Beautiful tribute to him Amy. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending lots of love and prayers to you & your entire family.

Jen R: I'm so sorry for your loss, Amy. This is a lovely tribute to your dad.

Wendy B: What a beautiful tribute to your Dad! He was so full of kindness. My deepest sympathies to you and your family ❤️

Amanda S: Oh Amy, I’m so sorry for your loss. My memories of your father include a smile and being an awesome, enthusiastic Band Parent. Thank you for sharing him with us.

Bethany D: Beautiful tribute. ❤️ I feel so lucky I got to know him as an adult. Such a different perspective, than as a teen and the “legendary” band parent. We’d often talk if we were in our yards. He and your mom were great neighbors. I enjoyed his company carpooling to WCS and in the community choir and missed him when he was no longer able to sing with us. He was such a genuinely good person. He will truly be missed by all who knew him. So sorry for your loss, Amy.

Letitia R: So very sorry for your family’s loss, Amy.

Holly C: I’m so sorry Amy.

Tracie U: These pics are how I remember your dad. Sending lots of love your way.
---me: Tracie U They are! We were just talking about that. We have older pictures to post with the obituary and such, but they're how people remember him. It's kind of a blessing that his body looks so little like the person we've all loved for so long-- THAT memory lives on.
--Tracie U: Seriously, if Maggie wasn’t all grown up in that second one, I would’ve believed it was from 25 years ago. 🙂

Mike N: My condolences amy

Rachael J: I am so sorry Amy. Sending prayers to you and your family

Angela G: I’m so very sorry. I remember your dad as a wonderful person and I know he will be deeply missed by so many, especially his family. Sending so much love to you all.

Kristi K: I am so sorry, Amy. My family and I send our deepest condolences and prayers to you and your family.

Kristin M: I’m so sorry for your loss

Elizabeth D: I'm very sorry Amy. I really liked your dad!
---me: Elizabeth D Me too!

Jeremy R: Prayers for your family

Gilda R: Amy, I am sorry for your loss.

Jen T: I’m sorry for your loss.

Amy EA M: I’m so sorry Amy. You were blessed with such loving parents. Prayers for all of you, especially your sweet momma.
---me: Amy EA M Thanks for stopping by, that was really touching! [added for context: she had dropped by my mom’s house in person with a card and hugs as soon as she heard]

Dan S: My condolences.

Jackie G: I'm so sorry for your loss. 🙁 I know you are in a lot of pain but I hope your wonderful memories give you strength and peace.

Holly W: I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a father is hard. Tomorrow would have been my Dad's birthday. Hard to believe he's been gone 12 years already. Wishing comfort & strength to you & your family.

Alina B: Oh, Amy and Maggie, I am so sorry. Hold those wonderful memories tight. Praying for your family. 💗

Nicole W: I am so very sorry to hear this. Thinking of you and your family.

Allison C: I’m so sorry for your loss.

Jen R: I will be praying for you and your family, Amy. Much peace and love to you.

Rebecca C: So sorry, Amy!

Elizabeth D: My condolences to Maggie and Dan too...and of course your mom.

Beckie C: So sorry for you and your family's loss. Sending comforting thoughts to you all.

A Wayne D: Nancy and I send our deepest sympathy.

Tammy L: Deepest condolences, to you and your family Amy.

Sean S: I’m so sorry Amy.

Chrissy B: I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Kristi K: Hi Amy. I told my parents about your dad passing and they were both very sad to hear this news. They send their condolences to you and your family.

Jenny H: I am so sorry Amy. I have many fond memories of him and always enjoyed listening to him sing during mass . My parents offer their deepest condolences as well ❤️

Janet G: What a heartbreaker. So sorry for you and yours.

Melissa M: I’m so very sorry, Amy. You had a great one, & he will sure be missed!! Sending love. ❤️

Molly Z: Amy, I'll be praying for you as you walk through this time of great loss. Hugs to you.

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John J. Matviya, 11/26/51--11/6/22

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Love

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From Maggie's friend, Jami

Re: From Maggie's friend, Jami

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