rockinlibrarian (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rockinlibrarian) wrote2019-06-29 12:07 pm
rockinlibrarian) wrote2019-06-29 12:07 pm
Entry tags:
Simultaneously Both the Stupidest and Most Traumatizing Aspect of My Life
I've been grappling with the fact that the simultaneously both stupidest and most traumatic aspect of my life has a name--Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria--and that it supposedly is a universal internal symptom (as in, it's most obvious and understood by the people who HAVE it, not concerned parents and teachers trying to make kids behave) of ADHD. Sam definitely has it, Maddie has a bit of it, but I've never been aware of it in Jason, but I think that's because he externalizes it rather than internalizes it-- he's short tempered with OTHER people more than he is with himself. It doesn't manifest in the way I'M used to.
But as for myself-- when I first read of it, my first instinct was to vehemently deny it: "What? Me? I don't care what people think of me! Why would you think I care about any of that? I'm perfectly FINE! I'm GOOD! How DARE you insinuate that I'm OVER-SENSITIVE TO DISAPPROVAL?!"
Which is, you know, kind of proving the point?
The truth is, it's the source of all my deepest traumas, and my deepest traumas are stupid, because I'm over-sensitive. I'M OVERSENSITIVE ABOUT BEING OVERSENSITIVE.* IT'S A VICIOUS CYCLE, AN ENDLESS SPIRAL OF SELF-LOATHING, THE PROCESS OF UNPACKING IT ALL JUST GIVES ME MORE TO UNPACK.
Which is far from a new realization for me, I've always been aware of my feelings toward my over-sensitivity. If someone called me a "cry-baby" when I wasn't actually crying, THAT would make me start to cry, and then I'd cry harder because I hated that I'd proved them right, and then I'd just want to die, and it is my NUMBER ONE DEEPEST ROOT OF ALL MY SELF-LOATHING, that which leads me to have chronic depression and no self-confidence.
The word itself is a genuine trigger for me. Nobody says, "TRIGGER WARNING: SOMEBODY CALLS SOMEBODY A CRY-BABY" because to the average person it's stupid, it's not a "real triggering issue," but even when I'm writing it, here, when I'm the one in control of it, my chest feels tight and my stomach gets nauseous and I can FEEL my sinuses pooling up, right now. Today, as an adult, whenever someone uses it to describe someone else, I SNAP, I hulk out like you won't believe, I will scream at the person DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT, EVER-- and if you know me the rest of the time? You know that's not a normal reaction. I am never loud. But I'm loud if you call someone that.
Oh yeah, and if you call ME that, I'm broken for the rest of the week, but we knew that already.
So anyway. Hi, I'm hypersensitive. I can say that word calmly, without having a breakdown. It's just descriptive. And it sounds more like a gift or talent, there's all sorts of nice words that make me sound all sorts of artsy or magical-- I'm a Highly Sensitive Person, I'm an Empath, yeah, yeah, great. But in practice, over the course of my life, that's not how other people see me, and it's not how I see myself: I'm that C-word. That C-word that doesn't get censored because to other people it's just a word kids use, it's not a thing that requires a trigger warning, because that would be dumb.
This is what I'm caught up on. People's neurodivergencies and other differences that have brought them trauma or microaggressions, we are taught to be careful of our language, offer them safe spaces where they won't be triggered. But it is IMPOSSIBLE to be "safe" around someone with RSD. Even if you ban the C-word. WE ARE OVERSENSITIVE. In the past, my friends have been very careful, tiptoeing around me in effort not to hurt my feelings, and you know the result of that? I broke down because my friends were treating me like I was delicate or something. Because I WAS delicate. But I was SO HURT that they THOUGHT I was delicate!
There is NO WINNING in this situation! That's why it's SO UTTERLY STUPID!
And that's why I'm finding it so hard to accept the label, accept that it's all just part of my neurodivergency, because I've been taught to be accepting and sensitive--that's an awkward word in this case but you know--to neurodivergencies, someone else's or my own. And I can't accept this. I can't ask other people to be sensitive to my sensitivity because it's TOO MUCH TO ASK OF ANYONE, stupid things WILL upset me and there's nothing anyone can do to prevent it. I can't make myself believe I have the RIGHT to over-feel and make everyone else feel awkward about my over-feeling. I can't tell people to Stop being angry or sad or whatever because I'm an emotional sponge and it makes ME feel sad. I can't ask people to feel sorry just because I feel all out of proportion. You know?
So when I find myself struggling with my emotions, as I've been doing this week, I never know how to BE. I'm lost and broken and want to reach out for help, but at the same time my problems are relatively stupid ones. My only real problem is that I feel things strongly-- no one is actively TRYING to hurt me. So I lock up and become even MORE useless, as my brain slings insults at me about how useless I am.
Sometimes I think an Internet Break would help, because I'm bombarded with bad and it all affects me, but the Internet is also where my friends are, and sometimes they reach out with exactly the beauty I need (special thanks to Angie and her Virtual Chant Circle yesterday).
So I wanted to put this out here, to explain why I'm so bad about talking about my problems but why I keep annoyingly talking about my problems anyway. This is what's up with me, this is what's going on. I ask for neither advice nor pity, just understanding. Thank you.
*It's amazing how often the same subjects keep coming up in my blogs over the years. Note all these links to old posts from here on.
But as for myself-- when I first read of it, my first instinct was to vehemently deny it: "What? Me? I don't care what people think of me! Why would you think I care about any of that? I'm perfectly FINE! I'm GOOD! How DARE you insinuate that I'm OVER-SENSITIVE TO DISAPPROVAL?!"
Which is, you know, kind of proving the point?
The truth is, it's the source of all my deepest traumas, and my deepest traumas are stupid, because I'm over-sensitive. I'M OVERSENSITIVE ABOUT BEING OVERSENSITIVE.* IT'S A VICIOUS CYCLE, AN ENDLESS SPIRAL OF SELF-LOATHING, THE PROCESS OF UNPACKING IT ALL JUST GIVES ME MORE TO UNPACK.
Which is far from a new realization for me, I've always been aware of my feelings toward my over-sensitivity. If someone called me a "cry-baby" when I wasn't actually crying, THAT would make me start to cry, and then I'd cry harder because I hated that I'd proved them right, and then I'd just want to die, and it is my NUMBER ONE DEEPEST ROOT OF ALL MY SELF-LOATHING, that which leads me to have chronic depression and no self-confidence.
The word itself is a genuine trigger for me. Nobody says, "TRIGGER WARNING: SOMEBODY CALLS SOMEBODY A CRY-BABY" because to the average person it's stupid, it's not a "real triggering issue," but even when I'm writing it, here, when I'm the one in control of it, my chest feels tight and my stomach gets nauseous and I can FEEL my sinuses pooling up, right now. Today, as an adult, whenever someone uses it to describe someone else, I SNAP, I hulk out like you won't believe, I will scream at the person DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT, EVER-- and if you know me the rest of the time? You know that's not a normal reaction. I am never loud. But I'm loud if you call someone that.
Oh yeah, and if you call ME that, I'm broken for the rest of the week, but we knew that already.
So anyway. Hi, I'm hypersensitive. I can say that word calmly, without having a breakdown. It's just descriptive. And it sounds more like a gift or talent, there's all sorts of nice words that make me sound all sorts of artsy or magical-- I'm a Highly Sensitive Person, I'm an Empath, yeah, yeah, great. But in practice, over the course of my life, that's not how other people see me, and it's not how I see myself: I'm that C-word. That C-word that doesn't get censored because to other people it's just a word kids use, it's not a thing that requires a trigger warning, because that would be dumb.
This is what I'm caught up on. People's neurodivergencies and other differences that have brought them trauma or microaggressions, we are taught to be careful of our language, offer them safe spaces where they won't be triggered. But it is IMPOSSIBLE to be "safe" around someone with RSD. Even if you ban the C-word. WE ARE OVERSENSITIVE. In the past, my friends have been very careful, tiptoeing around me in effort not to hurt my feelings, and you know the result of that? I broke down because my friends were treating me like I was delicate or something. Because I WAS delicate. But I was SO HURT that they THOUGHT I was delicate!
There is NO WINNING in this situation! That's why it's SO UTTERLY STUPID!
And that's why I'm finding it so hard to accept the label, accept that it's all just part of my neurodivergency, because I've been taught to be accepting and sensitive--that's an awkward word in this case but you know--to neurodivergencies, someone else's or my own. And I can't accept this. I can't ask other people to be sensitive to my sensitivity because it's TOO MUCH TO ASK OF ANYONE, stupid things WILL upset me and there's nothing anyone can do to prevent it. I can't make myself believe I have the RIGHT to over-feel and make everyone else feel awkward about my over-feeling. I can't tell people to Stop being angry or sad or whatever because I'm an emotional sponge and it makes ME feel sad. I can't ask people to feel sorry just because I feel all out of proportion. You know?
So when I find myself struggling with my emotions, as I've been doing this week, I never know how to BE. I'm lost and broken and want to reach out for help, but at the same time my problems are relatively stupid ones. My only real problem is that I feel things strongly-- no one is actively TRYING to hurt me. So I lock up and become even MORE useless, as my brain slings insults at me about how useless I am.
Sometimes I think an Internet Break would help, because I'm bombarded with bad and it all affects me, but the Internet is also where my friends are, and sometimes they reach out with exactly the beauty I need (special thanks to Angie and her Virtual Chant Circle yesterday).
So I wanted to put this out here, to explain why I'm so bad about talking about my problems but why I keep annoyingly talking about my problems anyway. This is what's up with me, this is what's going on. I ask for neither advice nor pity, just understanding. Thank you.
*It's amazing how often the same subjects keep coming up in my blogs over the years. Note all these links to old posts from here on.