rockinlibrarian: (portrait)

Hi. This might be a cry for help? Part of me's great. I feel capable. Christmas prep is fun and exciting. But if I didn't have Christmas, and to a lesser extent if I didn't have my library job (because I have hard-to-get-moving moments with that, too), I'd... well I don't know what I'd have. What I'm feeling is maybe best described as disillusionment? I feel like I don't believe in anything. Not in a religious sense-- in fact God is probably one of the few things I DO still believe in, but I don't exactly feel close it Him either--though religion as an institution isn't faring so well on my things-I-believe-in list, either.

But no, I mean, I've lost my faith in random stupid things, like journalism and... okay not STUPID, that's just the disillusionment talking. I just mean... aside from the US government crashing down before our eyes, and every other horror of humanity: my Sesame Street has lost sight of its original mission to serve the underserved; my daydream of running away to England has been tainted by Brexit crap, and my Imaginary Englishman Husband has even lost most of his luster; my favorite local radio station's news reports sound like The Trumpaganda Minute; my kid has developed full-on Oppositional Defiant Disorder and I'm CRAP at everything I ought to do as a parent; I'm not in love with my husband, he's just there (I LOVE him, mind you, in the sense that I love any family member, I'm just not IN love--no admiration, little affection) ; and no, I'm STILL not writing fiction, but hey, that's been not-happening forever now. It's like I have nothing to dream for. Disillusionment.

That's a weird word, because logically it sounds like a good thing: seeing through illusions to the truth! Except I'm not seeing any TRUTH, either. It's just pointlessness all over.

I literally do NOT CARE about self care. I can't bring myself to bother. My cholesterol recently took off out of nowhere, I'm falling apart, but eh, who cares. Watch the world crash down, why not just crash with it? I know what I'm SUPPOSED to do to get healthy/keep from getting more unhealthy. But I DON'T CARE.

I'm not sure what it's like to be an atheist. Surely they have SOME beliefs, not supernatural ones, but, like, VALUES. Things to stand for. Right? I'm short THAT.

I know this is bad. I need to get my meds fixed, but, a, I lost my psychiatrist and can't get an appointment with the new one until february, and b, my perpetual state of not-caring wonders what the point would be.

But the Christmas lights calm me. They remind me to light a candle to get through the dark times, because the light WILL come again.

So while some people find this time of year stressful, I'm thankful for it. It's carrying me through. I'm just not looking forward to January.

So anyhoo, that's where I am right now. Sorry for the downer. I just need to get it off my chest.

Date: 2016-12-15 02:03 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile]
You might want to call that new psychiatrist's nurse and share this with her - she might be able to get you squeezed in.

Date: 2016-12-15 04:42 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile]
Thank you.

I'm on the standby list if something else opens up sooner!

Date: 2016-12-15 05:22 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile]
Anhedonia is the suck. I'm sorry you're going through this -- I've been there, and it's rotten. I do find that being busy and stressed out makes it worse; it's hard to feel happy or excited or even interested in things when you're too tired to want to do even one thing more than you're already doing. When life's like that, basic survival seems like the most you can hope for.

I don't have any brilliant answers or advice, except not to give up on the things that once did give you pleasure or fulfillment, even if they don't seem to be giving you those feelings now. You may not be up to doing all the things you used to, but try to make a little time for one or two of them every couple of days or at least once a week -- re-reading a much-loved book or a new book by a favorite author, getting out for tea or coffee with a friend, listening to your favorite music, that kind of thing.

And read the Psalms. When I feel too dry and wrung out and generally flat to enjoy Bible study or prayer, the Psalms are always a comfort and a reminder that I'm not the first one to feel discouraged and disillusioned, nor am I alone.

Also, what [ profile] millysdaughter said. I hope you can get some help from your new psychiatrist soon.

Date: 2016-12-16 01:27 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile]
Thank you.

Date: 2016-12-18 02:03 am (UTC)From: [identity profile]
So sorry, friend. I've got no words of wisdom to offer (except to echo what was already said above), just a virtual hug and a promise that, though it may not feel like it to you right now, you DO matter, you DO have value, and even this disillusionment will be redeemed eventually. Nothing is wasted.

I love Advent because it is a chance to acknowledge the darkness surrounding us while simultaneously remembering and hoping for the return of the light. I grew up in a Christian tradition that didn't make much of the advent season, only focusing on Christmas itself, but these days I need that liturgy, that acknowledgement of seasons of darkness and heaviness, without losing sight of the seasons of light and renewal to come.

Keep your Christmas lights up into January and February, if you need. Your own private reminder that the darkness isn't here forever, not for the earth and not for you either.

Date: 2016-12-18 03:10 am (UTC)From: [identity profile]
Thank you. I just might leave things up a while!


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